Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/
Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding
leave at the very next post.
"Holy Ra! My nipples have been stolen!"
exclaimed the ghost of Akhnaten, who happened to be floating by. This distracted the VIPologists for just long enough
for the metaphorical pirates to wrest the metaphorical treasure chest from the VIPologists' soft, atrophying hands.
As Life sped toward the western horizon with its metaphorical jolly roger flapping in the breeze,
without any warning, cause or reason, the entire metaphorical universe metaphorically exploded.
And then the reader's brain exploded.
Before the chunks of brain had a chance to splatter all over the reader's computer monitor,
one pirate said "!أكل بلدي القضيب"
. The airborne pieces of grey matter replied "I'm afraid I must decline; I am currently following a rather unnegotiable trajectory which terminates on that computer monitor over there. I hope you understand. Furthermore, I was under the impression that your entire universe just exploded. If I may ask, how are you still able to speak?"
As it happens, this particular pirate was not metaphorical. He was a very literal pirate, who
could articulate his feelings into words with ease.
If the pirate's articulate feelings had been translated into English, it might have communicated something like "Would you care to help me find the literal treasure, for which I dearly long and would give my soul, the location of which is detailed in the literal treasure map under the lid of the literal treasure chest, which, incidentally, contains the literal treasure?"
The brain proceeded to splatter.
The literal pirate
The bilingual tripate
(as he liked to call himself) decided to go for a quick pillage down to the konbini, since he was fresh out of curry flavored cup ramen. Unfortunately, the konbini was
. This provided more ammunition for his upcoming politically charged public diatribe.
"The konbini's continued existence had caused nothing but problems for all involved. The solution is clear," the literal pirate argued, "The konbini must explode. There is no other way."
His audience, which consisted of
cloned dodo birds and
razorback hogs, was getting restless. They longed for
love and
the glory of
The Mystery of the Druids.
Sensing this desire, the literal pirate said, "And now, a dramatic reading of The Mystery of the Druids, with occasional footnotes about the necessity of konbini destruction."
And so begun The Mystery of the Druids:
In the fantastic castle city of Esmeralda, there lived
Spinal Tap then explained in a song
, who quickly died of a fatal case of a seven-word name. Meanwhile, video games
were drugs, and vice versa. One dealer of said drugs, who was named
Druggdeler. Druggdeler was very insecure of his name because no matter what he did the cops seemed to always figure out what he was up to. He thought his name may be the thing giving him up, but he could not be sure, so he called
his friend Accomplis.
"Yo Accomplis! What's up with the pigs? Is it my name?"
Goscone, who happened to be in the same room, overheard the transaction and became rather indignant at being referred to as a pig. He had to admit he did eat quite a lot, however.
"I am not a pig
and I am, in fact, long dead."
"Yeah, Goscone is totally dead!" - the other dead and long abandoned characters concurred.
Accomplis shivered and begged his friend to hurry up as lollygagging inside a mortuary was getting on his nerves.
"Now Listen! This ain't no make believe! Come on! Open your eyes and see! Now get up! Get up and follow me! 'Cause I'm gonna show you what your future will be!" said Gosghost.
Druggdeler and Accomplis simply looked at Gosghost with a sort of quiet pity. They knew he was going to explode; it was only a matter of time.
Sure enough,
they decided to stage a high-level assassination in cause a war
, but there was no one to target at the time. There was much planning left to do.
Druggdeler suddenly realized Ghostcone is a much better name than Gosghost.
"Ghostcone!" interjected Druggdeler
Ghostcone/Gosghost suffered a small explosion. It was more of a pop than anything.
"Aauuwuaa" hooped Ghostcone.
Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog came to see if Ghostcone was alright.
"Snort snort snort!" interjected Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog.
"Uuuu?" Ghostcone the ghost formerly known as Gosghost said. Then, Ghostcone the ghost formerly known as Gosghost's eyes lit up as if possessed and he began to boom: "Leis of chamomile and arcs of shard! Hear my prophesy of life and lard! In three days hence The Druids shall come, be prepared with Fire and Rum!"
Ghostcone then passed out, exhausted from the great energy exerted in the prophesy.
"Did you hear that? Those druids must be our assassination target," exclaimed Druggdeler.
"I'll help!" Accomplis said helpfully.
"Snort!" snorted Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog.
And so Druggdeler and Accomplis drafted a plan to assassinate the mysterious Druids involving molotov cocktails made from cheap rum.
The sun set three times and rose three times - although not in that order - and, before they knew it, the day of the Druids had arrived. A vast swirly interdimensional portal opened on a nearby mountaintop, accompanied by various whooshing/howling noises and over-the-top particle effects. The Druids
unceremoniously
It was time to strike. Druggdeler used Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog as an invisibility cloak to sneak in for the kill(s).
"FIRE!" commanded Druggdeler. Accomplis duly fired the molotov cocktails,
unfortunately in the wrong direction.
"I'll take you to burn. Fire! I'll take you to learn.
I'll see you burn! You fought hard and you saved and learned, but all of it's going to burn. And your mind, your tiny mind. You know you've really been so blind. Now's your time burn your mind. You're falling far too far behind. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! You gonna burn!" Sang the Druid.
Sang, the Druid, was in fact a fire druid.
They smashed through the druds' TV screen and set it aflame.
"Fuckin haaaarsh, bro!" exclaimed one of the druids.
"What a BUMMER man" bemoaned one of the other druids. "Im legit pissed"
They didn't turn around to see where the molotovs came from , just stared dejectedly at the TV.
Fire Druid Sang tried to rally the bummed out druids to attack Accomplis, the only visible attacker.
"Ggreeoooyaaaaaaaa! Attack that man wudllwywooleywuhoo!"
But the druids were too busy having a pity party.
They sat around drinking pity tea with their pinkies out, consumed large quantities of pity pie, whacked pity pin~atas and pitied the tail on the donkey. It was great fun but one couldn't help feeling sorry for them.
Druggdeler, feeling sorry for the druids, threw some pity pitas at them. The druids totally flipped the fuck out thinking it was a gift from the pita tree god
The fuck flipped with such great velocity that
it flew across the world, all the way to the ancient city of Teshrikalan, where it landed in a long-abandoned city square.
When the dust settled, the fuck got up and got a strange feeling like it was being watched.
As it happens, it wasn't; this was actually a precursor to the fuck developing paranoid schizophrenia. But that's a story for another time.
Meanwhile, back in the Druids' abode, several
DQNs
were discussing the merits of
Smoopy oriented programming
on the Commodore 64.
"There aren't any"
said a stupid fucking faggot who didn't know shit about Smoopy-oriented programming. Fuck that fucking fuck.
The real experts, of course, knew that
Smoopy-oriented programming was a disease.
A disease affecting hundreds and thousands
of kittens
and also millions and billions and trillions and quadrillions and quintillions and sextillions and octillions and nonillions and decillions and undecillions and duodecillions and tredecillions and quattuordecillions and quindecillions and sexdecillions and septendecillions and octodecillions and novemdecillions and vigintillions and unvigintillions and duovigintillions and tresvigintillions and quattuorvigintillions and quinquavigintillions and sesvigintillions and septemvigintillions and octovigintillions and novemvigintillions and trigintillions and untrigintillions and duotrigintillions and trestrigintillions and quattuortrigintillions and quinquatrigintillions and sestrigintillions and septentrigintillions and octotrigintillions and noventrigintillions and quadragintillions and quinquagintillions and sexagintillions and septuagintillions and octogintillions and nonagintillions and centillions and uncentillions and duocentillions and trescentillions and decicentillions and undecicentillions and viginticentillions and unviginticentillions and trigintacentillions and quadragintacentillions and quinquagintacentillions and sexagintacentillions and septuagintacentillions and octogintacentillions and nonagintacentillions and ducentillions and trecentillions and quadringentillions and and quingentillions and sescentillions and septingentillions and octingentillions and nongentillions and millinillions of
parasitic micro-orgasms.
This didn't concern Druggdeler one but since he hated cats. Accomplis however had a soft spot for cats. He knew he had to work undercover so Druggdeler wouldn't make fun of him.
Naturally, the parasitic micro-organisms were ignored.
Katana-san
, Banana-chan. Whatever.
Feckoff.
The art of the feck-off was a cause célèbre all across the Trinnium plains and the Nautillio valleys, all the way to the Deva mountains. Trainers, breeders, and hopeful amateurs brought their best feckers from the far corners of the map, hoping that their fecking would bring fame, fortune, and, most importantly, honor. They gathered once a year for the Grand Fecking Championships in the capitol city of the Trinnium plains territory. So famous was this city for the feckoffs that it became known as Feckonnia. This year, the feck-offs offered a grand prize greater than any they had offered before: a sum of one million
feckles of silver
in silver. Accomplis knew that he had to get some feckles or feck-offs or whatever to cure the cats of the Smoopy-oriented programming disease. But first, he needed the help of Smoopy who had recently adopted the moniker OGs Smoopy OG to differentiate himself from the other Smoopys.
and then we all at some other planet yo
A Young Girl's Cute Anus
Part 3: The Lion, the Witch, and the Lolicon
...and so launched virtualCORPs latest product, Jr Loli Waffles,
redundantly named as Jr Loli would mean young young girl. The sales margin for the new product
initially skyrocketed due to the mention of the word Loli but shortly bombed due to >>170 unmarketable ass
as well as his penchant for having a cock and balls.
"These sales are unacceptable!"
Foggo, the CEO of virtualCORP, was an imposing figure, standing about 8 feet tall and sporting a moustache full of firearms.
"Perhaps we should find a better anus," suggested Flillybobbin, head of the Anus Research Division.
"But where can we find an anus so great that it can make up for all these lost sales and make the public forget about the old ass we've been using?"
Frychef, the lead Waffle Ironer at the company, had a good point. No matter how good the ass was, it was unlikely that they could balance their losses with the sales generated by it.
"It's simple," sighed Fuuurararatinu, Head Director of Sighing. "The greatest loli anus in all the universe belongs to the Great Sky Loli. Her divine ass will make us billions. Trillions. Fobgobillions, even."
"But how will we find the GSL? She has been missing since >>>84! And even if we do find her, how will we ever convince her to help us sell waffles with her loli-girl ass?"
Figglywiggins was kind of a buzzkill, but he had a point. None of them knew how they would ever find her, or how to get her to work for them.
Just then, a voice spoke up from a conveniently dark corner of the room.
"Scottie Flowerbox's the name, and tumblin's my game."
Foggo tried to match Scotties introduction with a rhyme, but failed due to his inability to be creative.
Scottie Flowerbox knew that any 8 foot tall man would have trouble spittin hot fire,
so Scottie blew his own anus up engulfing the entire corporation up. It was spit back out as a box if flowers. These flowers contained the essential vitamins needed to aid in finding the cure Smoopy-oriented programming which had by now infected 6 million cats.
the newly formed floralanusCORP proceeded to flourish until the trickledown economixal collapse of August 1994.
meanwhile, in the present, cats are just dropping like flies man holy SHIT
the remaining cat population took shelter in Floral Shoppe and ブートed up some perishable vaccination programs, they knew they wouldn't last forever.
The GSL couldn't bear the sight of all these dying kittens; it brought back painful memories of her beloved Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, who had been lost in a tragic teleporter accident roughly 219 chapters ago.
With a cute twirl and a spray of rainbow coloured mittens, she banished Smoopy oriented programming from this universe forever. Unfortunately for her, she didn't notice
that the druids
could keep making more Smoopy-oriented programming in their garage due to their Druidian powers of programming.
OGs Smoopy og couldn't bear to have programming based on him killing his 3rd favorite animal. He took a chunk out of his butt and handed over to Science Chief General Grote Scone.
Science Chief General Grote Scone then handed the Buttpieces Smoopy buttpiece to his assistant, Sciences Chiefs Generals Grotes Scones Smoopy Science Chief General Grote Scone, who said,
"I hope the naming reforms pass!"
"get smoopy wit it"
Everyone applauded wildly at this inspiring and beautiful speech, so wildly in fact that sparks flew from their palms and transformed into
said Smoops McSmoops Smoopy smoop mcsmoop. The kittens
several smaller hands so they could clap even more.
Of course, the kittens didn't have hands, only paws, which are much less effective for clapping. Still,
Frank's Red Hot Buffalo Dipping Sauce
was currently being slathered all over Foggos disgusting body, over at floralanusCORP (formerly known as virtualCORP),
yes. Foggo became a snap pea due to natural evolution.
Foggo sad...
"Ooooh a snap pea!" said a 7 year old boy with a hat.
The snap pea was actually a bomb though, and exploded his head leaving only his stupid-ass hat in a pile of smouldering ash.
Foggo was dead.
The boy never existed, and neither did his hat.
Suddenly the spare snap pea was overcome with a sense of despair and emptiness, he realized his existed only to be consumed, and lived the rest of his short life as the universes first nihilistic snap pea.
Meanwhile, in the back of a library in Norway, the
the the the the the the the the the the the.
The the the the the the the the the the the thed so hard that it thed right out the second story window! The library police
, library staff, library visitors and the entire library itself were promptly crushed under a giant 200 GET, falling from the sky. The only survivor was the the.
The the