[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [FAIRLY LONG] [PART III] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7049 09:20

Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/

Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding

901 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7372 13:23

the Chrono Tigger.

902 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7373 21:32

"Nice one!" shouted Goscone from backstage.

903 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7373 22:24

Goscone's greatest fear was

904 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7373 23:25

that the Short Novel would end without him.

905 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 03:57

But then, without warning, a giant

906 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 05:05

axe

907 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 08:27

fell from the floor upwards because gravity had changed forever.

908 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 13:39

This was God's evil plan to

909 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 16:25

disprove the

910 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 16:32

existence of the GSL.

911 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 22:32

Unfortunately, God did not exist, so the existence of the GSL was not debunked. Good thing, too; the GSL hates having her existence debunked, almost as much as she hates

912 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7374 23:37

tentacles.

Meanwhile, in the back of a

913 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7375 00:07

party van

914 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7375 00:43

3 guys smoked weed

915 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7375 00:46

as if

916 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7375 01:17

it would make them spot Ocelli.

917 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7376 23:17

Alas, as we all know by now,

918 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7376 23:27

the universe was going to explode again and none of this would matter.

919 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7377 02:54

The universe edolpxed.

920 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7377 21:14

"No, no, no," said the Great Sky Loli. "You're doing it all wrong!"

And then she made the universe explode properly. The universe didn't like this, so it

921 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7377 21:49

exploded on her face.

922 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7377 22:05

And she was gone forever, never to be brought up in the story. Reoccurring characters that just won't go away no matter how boring and stale they got are one thing the universe couldn't stand.

Just then, Goscone and Smoopy

923 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7377 22:24

were caught having scandalous gay BDSM sex by a paparazzi called

924 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7377 22:39

Snapshot McCameraDude, the most notorious

925 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 04:20

camera dude.

926 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 04:36

Snapshot McCameraDude happened to be a woman, but insisted on the "dude" moniker because

927 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 04:45

Hey Dude was her favorite show to the point of extreme obsession.

928 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 08:10

But nobody cared about all that shit, because while all this was going on, an event of even larger proportions and impact was taking place.

929 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 08:28

Your mother was

930 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 17:51

fluttering madly around an antiques store, buying chaise lounges and

931 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 18:15

considerably overweight

932 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 18:19

Kewpie dolls.

933 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 19:30

Somebody get the door

934 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7378 22:19

dammit. MOM, GET THE DOOR!" Yelled the

935 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 00:06

GSL

936 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 00:11

as she rubbed her finger around

937 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 01:31

sand.

Note: GSL stands for Grandma Sally Longhorn.

938 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 03:54

Sally hadn't always been a grandma. No, she started off her exciting life as a grandfather. The Grandfather of Modern Banjo Technique.

HARLEM, 1836
"Well I reckon, I do say, well I, Lord almighty, well I, I mean to say, well I'll be darned," swore Thomas McKinney, sheriff of Banjoville, spinning in circles on a rotating bar stool. He was reacting to the tall visage of a stranger who had boldly stepped through the door-frame with a banjo on her back.

"Where ya from, stranger?" Tom asked in a friendly but suspicious voice. "Yer the first banjo player we've had here in years, ever since the great Banjo Riots."

939 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 04:46

"Oi, what of it, mate? I'll fook up yer jaw, ok? Targ tootin'." said a very confused GMBT

940 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 21:19

before exploding. In response, Tom

941 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 22:15

chased Jerry all around the house.

942 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7379 23:09

"Phantasy Star Online has new DLC!" exclaimed Tom, after realizing that his mother recently failed her 9th attempt at baking soda

943 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7380 08:16

Can.

944 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7380 08:44

It wasn't easy to bake soda Can. Tom's mother had done it once, five hundred years ago when her locks were still golden and her elbows were still lithe. But now, in her adolescent decay, puberty as making it even more difficult than ever.

945 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7380 10:05

Can Can, Cadillac Can.

946 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7380 23:11

But back to the point. The Emperor was getting up off of his golden throne and he was not happy...

947 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7380 23:12

Actually, now that I think about it, he was happy. Someone broke his throne and cut his hair. Why this made him happy, no one knows.

948 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7381 04:45

Live from New York it's Saturday night was one of the Emperor's favorite times of day since he'd usually buy a barber shop

949 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7381 05:57

York was day he'd New a usually Emperor's times night Saturday barber it's from of shop the favorite Live of buy since one

950 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7381 07:44

.

951 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7381 15:01

But what's that, over there on the horizon? My god, it's, it's...

952 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7381 16:08

Godzilla!

953 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7382 05:46

At this point the reader would most likely be concerned because Godzilla is known to wreak havoc but he is only stopping by to submit his tax returns

954 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7382 10:54

And wreak havoc.

955 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7383 11:35

956 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7383 14:16

was bored.
>>953,954
lold
hated his named, and he was bored. This Godzilla cameo was not as interesting and exciting as he had hoped.
>>953,954
lold
picked up his phone and called the Author to complain.

957 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7383 20:11

"Moshi moshi"

958 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7383 20:15

" You want a whaaaaaaat?"

959 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 01:48

asked the author. "No, but seriously. You should be happy with your name, at least it's better than your mother's name, >>170 unmarketable ass."

960 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 04:19

>>953,954
lold
did not accept this apology. He continued to rant and ramble at the author. Suddenly, the Great Sky Shota burst into the room.

"This meta-writing aside here has been a good distraction," he said, "but we have less than 40 posts until the novel ends!"

961 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 04:21

Sand or no sand.

962 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 12:27

Chapter Twelve: Butchered Twilight Fragments
Featuring the Magical Magistrate and his Petulant Petition.

In which the townsfolk celebrate over the butchered fragments of Edward Cullen's body. (Haha, only kidding! It's the last chapter so it's full of unnecessary amounts of explosions, killing major characters off and nonsensical revelations.)

The Piazza San Marco took on an unearthly pallor in the light of the setting sun. The Magical Magistrate, better known as King Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, was napping lightly. It was his birthday a few days ago, and had celebrated with his chums on a 40 hour alcohol-and-stimulant binge. He was still recovering.
Without warning, the fragile tranquility of this scene was shattered by the return of Tharsh and the Great Sky Loli, who had formed an alliance. They then took a nasty shit. "Meow," said the shit, which had gained sentience due to the radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb which had formerly been in the possession of one Mr. Gray.
"Our shit is meowing!" the GSL and Tharsh exclaimed in chorus.
"It must be these radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb sunglasses," realized the GSL, slowly removing off the aforementioned eye-wear which was upside-down and glowing with radioactivity. This act caused the universe to explode.
The author was killed in said explosion and several other parallel universes were also destroyed.
In one particular parallel universe, however, Jack Noir didn't exist. It was a beautiful day in New Yugoslavia and the Great Sky Shota was playing serendipitously on the shore. Mr Brown sat down on the grass and drank a leisurely cup of coffee. His thoughts were centred on the Manchurian pepper mines, in which a group of canine assassins were gathering in order to seize the Mighty Dong of the Dong Empire.
A notoriously veiny Popeye cosplayer was searching desperately through the supermarket trying to find spinach in a can. In this particular parallel universe, spinach was fatally poisonous. The cosplayer intended to commit suicide that night. However, funnily enough, the supermarket did not sell lethal poisons. With a sigh of resignation, he grumbled, "Well, blow me down!" which a passerby took to mean as Popeye cosplayer needed a blow to his skull's coronal suture to send him plummeting through the earth like a jackhammer.
As the passerby hopped into the air, can of spinach in hand, suddenly a Bluto cosplayer appeared and hijacked the thread, because he was, in fact, Beady Eyes in disguise.
"I am your mother!" quoth the cross-dressing Freud clone that barged through the door, crushing Beady Eyes behind it in the process.
Suddenly, a huge explosion followed by an explosion that was even bigger and better was a signal to all that this was now a Michael Bay film. Suddenly, Michael Bay exploded.
Surveying the scene from afar, an elderly Robotpa also exploded. "LUDICROUS GIBS" announced the surveyance monitor. The monitor then proceeded to explode. It appears the universe is beginning to collapse in on itself.
"There is only a matter of time to escape this thread! I'd say 32 posts to be exact, I've seen a lot of threads in my time" announced none other than Mr Brown's daughter, a precocious young girl called Chorsh. To prepare for the happy doom that hung over their icy inevitable heads, she proceeded to chow down on french bread spread with nutella, getting crumbs all over skimpy summer wear.
"Oh no!" she lamented, "I've got nutella all over myself! There's even some under my bra... If only somebody would come and lick it off..."
At that moment, a very large, very hairy gnu with a pedo-smile and a heap of shittily-written open source utilities appeared and said, "Did someone say GNU?"
Predictably enough, everything exploded. Again. Including the gnu's rancid penis, which exploded into Chorsh's face. But that didn't really matter because that very second the entire universe imploded.

963 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 17:36

But no one cares about that stuff.

Chambers John was having trouble keeping together his shanty empire. Everything was falling apart due to the

964 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 17:42

collapse of global poverty. Without any poor people, nobody was living in shanty towns anymore. Around 1% of the population owned 99% of the world's destitution. All across the planet, the rich majority tried to hire protesters to protest this massively unequal distribution of poverty, but found few people poor enough to take the job. With everyone at the top, there weren't enough people at the bottom to work for the top 99%.

965 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 21:46

"Time to make some poverty happen"

966 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 22:20

He whipped out his guns, pointed them straight down at the Earth, and yelled "Stick 'em up, everybody, or the Earth gets it!"

967 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7386 22:47

Nobody actually heard Chambers since his whole empire was abandoned.

968 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7387 06:32

So he shot the Earth.

969 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7387 10:10

Bloody mess.

970 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7387 15:10

however the entire subject relied on the quick reflexes of his. It was made sure that the flat reaosnansjr reasons Mr debt hockshop majordomos.

971 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7391 03:51

Chambers John was obsessed with farting, and loved to fart any time he could. His girlfriend, Sally Longhorn, despised farts and became angry with Chambers because all he did was watch television and fart. She told him that the only time she could feel relaxed was when Chambers was out of the house, as she could be away from his gas. She thought that if the television turned into fart jokes, which he also loves, then Chambers wouldn't even leave the house.

Then one night, the television did become all about farts. This put Sally to the ultimate test to see if she could get past his problem and love him. In the end, she became so fed up with farting that she had a nightmare about farting. She woke up and Chambers farted. Sally realized that there is no point in hating it anymore and decided to love him. Both of them farted gleefully.

972 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7391 04:03

And then the Universe farted.

973 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7391 05:46

Sandwich Guldman was observing Chambers as he pulled the trigger.

974 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7392 06:44

The fart was so powerful that

975 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7392 07:09

whatever.

976 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7393 17:27

To avoid the lingering Taco Bell stench on every breeze in the Universe, Chambers climbed into Sandwich Gundam's cockpit, sealed it up and

977 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7393 17:35

cried.

978 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7393 18:39

Aye! A roar he cried frae the bottom of his heart that I would nay fall
but as dead, dead as 'a can be by his feet; de ya ken?

And the wind cried Murray.

979 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7400 14:17

Murray, the Fool,
Looked up to the wind.
His name it carried
As he silently buried
His fallen, feathered friend.

The wind, it knew
Of Murray's shame.
He sat down and wept
As a big toad leapt
Even though it was crippled and lame.

The toad of death
Was here for his pet.
He wordlessly pleaded
But it went unheeded
And the bird paid its mortal debt.

980 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7400 15:36

"Thank you very much!" said the GSL, who had taken a job as a debt collector. The bird smiled, relieved that its burden was finally lifted. As it flew away newly free, the GSL shouted after it.

"To start rebuilding your credit, why not get one of our Bronze Plan Express cards?"

981 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7400 21:07

Nope that never happened.

The bird's mortal debt was the only mortal debt in the world. After it was paid off the economy became Power-Economy causing all the impoverished to become wealthy. This was the cause of Chambers John's decline.

982 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7400 21:28

This was known as The Gram Timeloop.

983 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 00:55

Named after famous time wizard Gram Gibzie.

984 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 01:52

Gram Gibzie did not exist, and in fact most likely never had and never would exist ever at any point in the future.

The Great Sky Shota stood by, impatiently pointing at the thread's post count.

985 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 02:29

Gaaaay.

Time wizard Gram Gibzie's timeloops were famous among time enthusiasts. Dozens of time geeks gathered around The Gram Timeloop to observe the wizard's latest handiwork.

986 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 13:15

The concentration of the nerds, dorks, and losers unclean appearances and the Taco Bell stench lead to the creation of a government mandated containment zone around the Gram Timeloop. This left Murray, the bird, the GSL, the toad, nerds, dorks, and losers to begin their own new sexually imbalanced and confined society.

"Why am I stuck with these losers?" the toad thought.

987 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 14:01

Then, out of nowhere, some jerk replied to the thread without reading a single post, requiring the next user to either ignore this crude interruption or create retroactive context to explain the disparity.

988 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 14:36

There were no survivors.

Meanwhile,

989 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 14:55

right now, right in front of you, a huge bright pink flaming double-decker bus containing every single character tore through the page of the DQN Short Novel, driving towards the 999 GET at an utterly reckless speed.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" exclaimed Ghostcone, wielding the steering wheel like a battleaxe.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" replied everyone else on board.

"Aaaa-- wait a moment," said Mr Gray, sipping a cup of tea, "What if

990 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 18:39

the something smoopy somethings, Smoopy, Goscone, Drugdeller, Accoplis, the druids, the pterodactyl, the employees of VirtualCORP, the poker players at Bill's, all the previous authors,

991 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 22:55

Randy McNally, Bolus Cleveland and his Banjo Band, Tempus Fuckit and the Teetotaling Titgrabbers, and who could forget cute little

992 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 23:07

Sargoth. Where was I going with this?" asked Mr. Grey after changing his last name to appear more European.

993 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 23:19

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" interjected the GSL, who, along with everyone else on the bus, and the bus itself, was very much on fire. Mr Grey sat, on fire, sipping his tea, also on fire, and pondered this comment.

"Mmm, yes, you might be right. I suppose

994 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 23:55

we might very well be all on fire. I can't tell for sure, though, since my eyes and all my heat-sensing nerves appear to have been destroyed. Probably by fire."

The bus continued to hurtle on, with no one having any clue how they even got there, when a plethora of time wizards who appeared in the first DQN Short Novel in the form of all the spaces and punctuation suddenly stopped being on fire and ran to the front of the bus.

995 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7402 00:31

Concrete cells

996 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7402 00:55

and polycarbonate pills

997 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7402 02:02

are a man's b-friend.

998 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7402 02:13

They make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

999 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7402 02:52

And that is why, despite the brilliance of their forefathers, and every golden opportunity presented to them by this mysterious life, everybody simply farted and laughed.

Then the universe exploded.

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