Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/
Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding
"How about druid?" asked Patriarch druid mcPatriarch, stepping dramatically out of the shadows into a ray of sunlight. He beamed with a stern fatherly smile at Accomplis. "It is time, Accomplis. You may join our mystical ranks, if you so desire."
"Hmm," said Accomplis, "I think
you're FULL OF SHIT, OLD MAN!"
Two fingers.
One asshole.
Penetrated.
Long, deep, and hard.
Meanwhile, on the planet of the grapes,
an investigation was ongoing to find out who graped the apex.
It was the the the th-th-the GIANT APE!
The GIANT APE is a convicted groper and rapist! It's no joke, kids! Report the GIANT APE if you see it in the grapes!
Furthermore, konbinis should all be destroyed! Make a note of it!
~~~
The literal pirate paused to take a swig of rum. Yes, this was going well - his audience was still listening intently, and he had managed to sneak in some propaganda without losing them. He continued the story:
~~~
Chapter Qwubble: In Which the Previously-Unknown Daughter of Thursh Has a Tea Party and Befriends Some People and Stuff Like That
Late one afternoon on a strangely summery September day, a young girl was having a tea party. She was a proper little lady, wearing a clean white sundress and drinking in cute little sips, but she was somewhat distracted today. Today, she was feeling somewhat... lonely. Her thoughts drifted over to the servant who briefly tended her father's mansion, another young girl who she loved to play with. She had not seen that servant girl in quite a while--not since the girl left to go do deity stuff. She wished to see her again one day, perhaps for a day of wearing cute dresses and drinking tea and debating the nature of moe. Ah! But we forgot to mention the name of Thursh's daughter here. She was just such a nice and proper little lady that she was too polite to interrupt and point it out. Her name was
Dead to Rights and she was actualt an undercover old man. A secret agent with the mission to capture Druggdeler.
Yes, that's just the sort of pretend game that Penelope Cosecant was prone to playing. She wasn't sure who or what Druggdeler was, but she'd overheard her father talking about him in a derogatory manner, so she employed her tragically limited knowledge of spy dramas to create an alter ego able to track him down.
Wasting no time, Penelope began to look for clues.
"Dead to Rights was hot on the trail. After beating the robot ghost pirate dinosaur mob boss, he found a clue that led him to believe that the infamous Druggdeler was hiding in... the gonzo pool!" Penelope liked to narrate her adventures in imagination. She crept over to the pool, which was full of jello for no apparent reason.
Chapter Genghis: A Sweet End to a Bitter Non Sequitur
"Your insolence will be the end of your life, fool!" said Patriarch druid McPatriarch
"Stop talking like a villain cliche you gobferbrains!" said a returning Smoopy with a handful of skulls. "We can't let this silly nonsense get in the way of progress. All we need to do is make these skulls so scary it becomes October 31st."
"Man, FUCK druids. I don't wanna work with them. I wanna killemall instead." huffed a pouting Druggdeler.
"Think of the cats!" cried No Longer An Accomplis
before suddenly bloating to gigantic proportions, splattering Smoopy all over the druids and sending Druggdeler flying across the world. His trip ended when he landed in a pool of jello. However, he suffered brain damage from the force of the impact, and lost his memory as well as the ability to speak in any language other than gonorrhese. On the plus side, the destruction of that horrible gelatinous mass known as Smoopy finally ended the horror of Smoopy-oriented programming, finally saving all the cats once and for all.
The druids cast some magic druid spells to animate Smoopy's goopy parts. The parts crawled back together, reformed and retrieved Druggdeler from the pool. He took Druggdeler back to Science Chief General Grote Scone for examination. All the while, No Longer An Accomplis was holding a feast with the druids.
"I'll be done in a minute" said Science Chief General Grote Scone.
He shot tri-colored lasers in Druggdeler's brain fixing the stuff in it.
"Whu-whu? Where am I? Are the druids dead?" questioned Druggdeler.
"No Druggdeler, you are the druids," said Science Chief General Grote Scone.
Druggdeler flipped the fuck out.
. Literally just huge piles of shit, all over the place. A veritable mountain of feces on top of the mountain.
Goscone turned back and trotted away from Mount Shit, disgusted by the
shit.
A shit avalanche chased Goscone down the mountain. Torrents of shit barreled down the mountain at amazing speeds. Goscone, however, moved even faster. Goscone caught a hang glider from a hang glider tree partway through the mountain and glided out of there. The shit couldn't find any hang gliders so it just kept on going down. The shit tore through a small town. A house with a pool of jello was destroyed by the shit and the pool filled with shit. Goscone crashed into a jet, blowing it up. The pilot, Dead to Rights, was ripped to shreds and landed in the ever growing lake of shit below. Goscone, falling into the shit lake, was saying his final prayers. All of a sudden Pterodactyls druid McPterodactyl swooped in and saved Goscone.
Penelope wept for her beloved alter ego's cruel fate from the safety of the pterodactyl whose back she was on. She wasn't entirely sure how she came to be on the back of this pterodactyl rather than in that jet, in fact she suspected that she was just daydreaming and the jet had not in fact exploded. She considered the evidence:
Just as she came to the conclusion that she was simply being silly and all that probably didn't actually happen, her private jet alighted gently upon the mountaintop, which was noticeably devoid of faeces. It was not, however, devoid of Druggdelers, of which there was one specimen staring straight at her.
Penelope got out her
Goscone and the pterodactyl landed on an alien head shaped platform.
"We are at the scroll scanning hub. I need your cloven hooves to open the scroll room. It's activated by hog feet." said Pterodactyl druid McPterodactyl.
"You saved me only for your own gain? Why should I help you?"
"You didn't think I saved you only out of selflessness, did you? I'm a druid. We run on ulterior motives. If you help me get the ancient druid scrolls I'll give you the power to supplant the Smoopy and druid naming conventions with your own Goscone version. Imagine it. 'Pterodactyled Goscone pterodactyl.' No more plurals, no more Mcs, only past tense!"
"Here's a better idea," Goscone said, "I'll take those ancient druid scrolls for myself and end all of this nonsense!"
Goscone charged and rammed the pterodactyl off the platform, then rapidly placed his hooves on the hoof scanner. He dashed inside the scroll room. Pterodactyl druid McPterodactyl regained his balance in mid-air and flew up, but the scroll room doors shut just before he could make it in, causing him to comically slam into the doors.
"Dagnabbit druid McDagnabbit!" he exclaimed.
In the scroll room, Goscone
realized he had no idea what to do with the scrolls when he got them.
"I'll just play it cool and pretend I have some kinda idea what these scrolls are for." thought the hog.
Meanwhile, the scrolls had no idea what to do with Goscone.
"We'll just play it cool and pretend we have some kinda idea what this hog is for," thought the scrolls.
An awkward minute or two passed with the two parties staring at each other.
"This story is boring!" exclaimed Penelope. Sometimes, her own imagination disappointed her. To make things more interesting, she imagined up a swarm of dinosaurs and a swarm of giant beetles on top of the mountain and had them do imaginary battle.
General George S. Pattonosaurus looked out over the battlefield. His troops were fighting valiantly, but the beetles had dug their trenches deep, and they weren't coming up out of them. In fact, Pattonosaurus wondered whether the beetles had maybe dug too deep and not brought any ladders to get out. He sent a scoutiraptor over to check it out.
The tension between the scrolls and Goscone was rising. It was like the first date between middle schoolers. Goscone eventually made a move and took the scrolls. He attempted to read them, but they were in Language druid McLanguage.
"What a load of shit this is"
"Hey, buddy, you're a load of shit" retorted the scrolls
"Well I got half a mind to tear you all up and throw you in the fire!"
"You wouldn't dare! You don't have the BALLS to do it!"
That comment sent Goscone off the edge as he only had one testicle. In a fit of rage he tore up every scroll and set fire to the pile of paper pieces with a torch.
It was in that moment that the author realized that he had developed two entirely separate personalities, who were taking turns writing, and that one personality was attempting to ignore everything that the other wrote. He promptly checked himself into a mental institution, leaving the publishers to make the difficult decision of who to appoint as the new new author of the DQN Short Novel.
Penelope was fired for unknown reasons.
Chapter: A Rude Rebeginninging
The scrolls and Goscone
Hi everyone. I'm Donald Scopield, the new author of the short novel. I want to tell you now I don't know much about pigs and druids and little girls. What I do know about, however, are the Mongol Invasions of the 13th and 14th century. I'll write what I know and hope you guys like it
Chapter 1: Conquest of Western China
Genghis Khan genghis was gearing up for the conquest of China. He wanted all of the Chinese
suddenly became aware that from this point on, all odd numbered and even numbered posts would constitute separate narratives, until the two storylines converged somehow.
He began to weep profusely.
Penelope tried to console him, stroking his back and telling him
Goscone had no way to get back down from the skull shaped platform. Pterodactyl druid McPterodactyl would never help him after what he did. He called Smoopy for advice.
"Don't worry, I got this. Just wait till I get there." said Smoopy.
Goscone impatiently waited.
to make pork dumplings for his army, but they were runnin short on Pork. He called his right hand woman,
Koki Marfan. A Syrian basketweaver.
and told her "Koki, I want you to go find me a razorback hog. Undead, preferably."
This is for whom Goscone was waiting. But he didn't know it yet.
"Your will be done, my liege," Koki responded. She went to the armory tor retrieve her finest basketry equipment.
"Ok, jump down on me!" Yelled Smoopy up to Goscone.
Goscone was heading down at a rate of 9.8 meters per second per second down to Smoopy. He landed with a pffchhrrt on Smoopy.
"A safe landing!" the both said at the exact same time.
Suddenly the clip clopping of several horses could be heard. The sound was coming from a cloud of dust in the distance. It was getting closer.
"Now hold on jes' a minute there! What the dag gone heck er you s'posed ta be?" said
Koki was somewhat peeved about the sudden fleeing of the armory, so she rounded up some horsemen to chase after it with her.
Then the universe exploded, setting off a chain reaction which caused all nearby parallel universes to explode, cascading outwards in an unholy expanding fiery ball of death.
The only universe which was not destroyed was one in which
everyone was a western style smiley face.
"I am happy!" said :)
"Honk! Honk!" said :0)
"I'm sad!" said :(
The author then realized that he had made a sudden departure from the alternating odd-even posts converging storylines system. He checked himself into the same mental hospital as the previous author, leaving the publishers to once again comisserate over who the new author should be.
The authoer who just left was later found dead in a broom closet at the hospital. He wasn't very well-liked at this hospital, or anywhere in fact, so everyone just assumed the murder was justified.
n extremely deadly venomous snake.
"Help a wizard made me hold this snake and said that if I let go he would kill me and my whole family."
You look in confusion at her. The snake is ready to strike. You decide to stay back in fear of your own life. The snake lunged at her wrist, mouth open and ready to bite, when suddenly
The End
Having finally concluded the Mystery of the Druids, the literal pirate (the bilingual tripate) smiled at the audience, waiting for their applause. The audience, which as you may recall consisted of cloned dodo birds and razorback hogs, simply stared back in shocked silence at the sudden ending.
"What the hell happened to Goscone?" a razorback finally grunted out.
"Yeah, and what about the druids?" shouted a cloned dodo bird.
"That was the worst story ever! It didn't even make any sense!" somebody chimed in.
"Okay, okay," the pirate said, hushing the audience with his hands. "Allow me to begin Part 2...
"
But then Halko-chan burst in and did a flying kick into the literal pirate's head so hard that it was decapitated entirely. The severed head flew out of the window, sprouted wings and went to live on the moon.
Halko-chan composed herself and began to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen," she began, "
The audience cheered in approval. They loved happy endings.
Chapter ‚a‚•‚”‚”‚“: A Vacation Interrupted
Three months after the incident with the Druids and the Smoopies, Goscone and Penelope and all their closest friends were on vacation in
the quaint little town of Detroit. Penelope had recently received
All of a sudden, shots fly overhead!!!!--Light! Then... sound! Halko-chan whips into a string of back handsprings, dodging the bullets. Flying splinters of stage wood dance in front of her, she pulls her mecha cannon out (from behind her back?), chargers and...!!!!
"Well that was a rude interruption," sad Penelope. Now I guess we'll NEVER fnd out what I have received.
she ran out of power. A gang of melanin enriched gentlemen tore her apart for parts to sell on the melanin enriched market.
"Holy shit!" said Spoomy
.
These last few posts were, needless to say, occurring in a parallel dimension, which we needn't pay any heed to. Back in the original timeline, the Druids and the Smoopies, Goscone and Penelope and all their closest friends were on vacation in
Bessarabia.
"I am loving this Eastern European air!" said Golgo 13 druid McGolgo 13
while sipping a Rusty Nail and listening to every lolicore song ever made played simultaneously.
"The Mongol Horde is on the horizon! They're coming as conquerors!" said the herald.
"I'll defeat them with my nasty PINGAS!" said Dr. Robotnik.
But the PINGAS was
clean. He was shot down by the Grand Khan's horse archers.
The vacationing friends watched the battle from afar, glad they were no longer involved.
The ghost of Dr. Robotnik's iguana wept silently.
Behind the fallen Dr. Robotnik, an army of
Hungarian heavy cavalry was charging in to oppose the Mongol Horde.
Then, at the last moment, all the soldiers on both sides of the battle put down their weapons and had a big communal tea party. Much fun was had by all involved, and nobody died apart from one guy who
raped and ape. The ape
was had undergone therapy and
was no longer giant.
The uninformed Serbian cavalry rushed in attacking the Mongols unaware for the tea party. The Grand Khan was angered and swore death upon all of Eastern and Central Europe. The Mongols began slaughtering Hungarians and Serbians.
However, this only lead to the Serbians
turning into Albanians.
But then the Lunarians showed up and
drove the Albanians into the Baltics.
Then the entirety of Eastern Europe
caught fire
Penelope, the Mongols, and the druids were immolated almost instantly. Smoopy was liquified and Goscone roasted. The lunarians turned into Solarians.
But suddenly hundreds of explosions rocked the place! And out of them appeared Mysterious Tragic Sniper X, a single tear of blood rolling down his cheek.
Fueled by angst and vengeance he
farted the most violent fart fartable by a koala.
Longshoreman X shit his Kentucky Longshore Rifle at Tragic Sniper X.
Thankfully, Longshoreman X had taken a ludicrous amount of laxatives, and was able to successfully shit the rifle with only minor injury. Tragic Sniper x, however
avoided getting hit by the gun, but only because he assassinated by the famous assassin George Bush CXXIX before the gun could reach him.
Meanwhile, in loli heaven, Penelope
had just taken a few tabs of LSD.
"Ehehehe!" she giggled, "Time to
tut a tout and tout the tut!" She giggle-snorted and readied her golden Desert Eagles for
her God-given mission: to kill Druggdeler's ghost, and free the world from
evil spirits that create shitty video games
like Poop Simulator 3000, now with extra smells. Cancer
overtook Penelope. Hell cancer. She was cast into the fiery pits of hell and suffered for all eternity.
George Bush CXXIX did not like seeing his homeland, Eastern Europe, on fire. He knew he had to make things right.
Meanwhile Mysterious Tragic Sniper X marveled in his demise. As he raised his rifle for the last time
it turned into a bouquet of roses.
"Hahahaheohaha!" laughed the Majishen
as he turned into a duck. Laughter turned into tears. Ice turned into fire. Water to lava. Air to dust. Soil to soap. Junji Ito began to write comedy. Cavemen stood up straight and became master scientists as Nobel prizewinners lay down and wallowed in mud. Everything became a lie. Nothing was true.
And then the universe exploded.
The GSL was upset. Just as she was finally getting the hang of living in hiding, this shit happened again. She's have to load the universe from several backups ago, too, just to make sure this sorry turn of events didn't repeat itself.
She had an even better idea. Instead, she decided to leave the DQN short novel thread and go to the SAoVQ VIPTRONIC thread forever so she'd never have to worry about the constant destruction of the DQN short novel universe.
Unfortunately, the SAoVQ VIPTRONIC thread, being outside the DQN Short Novel metauniverse, was inaccessible to her except as a DQNized read-only copy which bore little resemblance to the original. It seems even omnipotence has its limits.
So, in typical GSL fashion, she handed the duty of reconstructing the universe over to her brother, who was still trying to handle all the frilly-dress-wearing and tea-party-having duties she had already given to him. In order to pass the time waiting for the GSS to get the universe rebooted, the GSL took a stroll over to
when suddenly Mysterious Tragic Sniper X threw a bouquet of fusion roses right at GSL instantly enamouring her and causing the universal counter-explosion!
As the explosion and the counter-explosion annihilated each other the universe itself was restoring to its former glory.
Mysterious Tragic Sniper X smiled and
turned the bouquet on himself. As it happens, the counter-exploded universe was not, in fact, exactly as it was;