Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/
Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding
Beady Eyes, who had just returned from the mystical land of
the Clonepa thread. Clonepa himself was
having
"I don't even know what a prion is," said
another Clonepa
as he stuffed his face, and ate a lot.
Then he died.
"Déjà vu" said a French artist, "Didn't a Clonepa die from prions already?"
Then he died.
The thread, now empty of participants, then died.
Cursed never to rest, it became a horrible, shambling fiend of the undead.
The cookies were the greats.
The GSL decided that this reality was no good, so she destroyed the universe and created a new one in which the DQN Short Novel was
a comic book.
which came to life and sent her to hell forever where she was never to be seen again.
The devil was feeling a little down. He wanted to live the earth-life, but he looked like a red beast.
was not unwavering on his quest for the earth-life. He went to a costume store to buy a clown costume.
Of course, this did not make him any less terrifying.
He sneaked into a box with a handle on the sie, waiting for someone to wind up the handle.
"Ima spook all dem!" said the devil.
However, unfortunately for the devil, the next person to wind up the handle was none other than
Dr. Robotnik
, who was rather upset because he had just gotten the news that
was ruined.
The story was ruined. Or it would have done, except I don't know anyone called Bill.
Dr. Robotnik checked the box marked "bill me later". The devil was still in the box, as the handle had been insufficiently wound when the news about the cookies came round.
The flowers bloomed on the long-necked beauty of Gainesville. Spears and blood leaked love and peaches. That was when Baobab realised her S&M fetish had been a huge mistake.
Colorless green ideas dreamed violently.
The violent dreaming caused anyone having the ideas to instantly get an aneurysm.
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, a giant livid purple pulsating
lantern fish
was fleeing from a hammerhead shark.
Chasing the shark
was a giant livid purple pulsating
shout.
"STOP! I've heard enough." yelled the editor. "Underwater stories are boring. It won't sell. It's almost as bad as sewer stories, and only slightly better than ice stories. Rethink this part of the short novel or I'm dropping this project!"
The dejected author
then he died.
A new young, enthusiastic author was next in line to be fed to the DQN Short Novel meat grinder.
His head was full of ideas about Aztec temples and conveyor belts.
Thus the short novel was re-imagined as a video game plotline.
However, this particular video game plotline imagining was one of those colorless green ideas, and the author got an aneurysm and died.
The DQN Short Record-Keeper noted this death and went to check whether or not a new record for author death speed in the DQN short novel. To find the records, he would have to brave the Recordarium, a great labyrinth library which shifted depending on what you were looking for, putting your goal in the most inconvenient location possible. The DQN Short Record-Keeper wasn't sure why the DQN Short Records were kept here, but he assumed it was because the DQN Short CEO made some impossible request and somehow it got filtered through the DQN Short Bureaucracy and and ended up as an order to keep the DQN Short Records in the Recordarium. Whatever, the DQN Short Record-Keeper though. His job is to keep the DQN Short Records, not question why they're in the worst library ever conceived.
Then, as though simply to prove a point, the library spontaneously caught fire. There were no survivors.
Meanwhile, in Gensokyo,
a futanari rape party was taking place.
Of course, there were no futanaris to be raped in Gensokyo - how preposterous! - so the party was a failure.
"Well, poop." said Marisa, "I guess I'll have to go beat up some fairies for fun instead, then."
But then Cirno showed up armed with a rocket launcher and
a big veiny strap-on, and slid one into Marisa's vagina and the other into her anus.
Unfortunately for Cirno, she had the rocket launcher pointed the wrong way, and blew herself up.
Convictor Lamaxanadu launched an investigation of the situation.
Nitori was to be questioned in case she had any involvement with Cirno acquiring a rocket launcher.
Suddenly, Clonepa appeared wearing a frilly dress and a ridiculous hat and released a barrage of
tasty cupcakes. Everyone else
was horrified at the sight of an old man with a ballsack on his face dressed in a frilly dress.
But beady eyes was turned on by his
friend's crossdressing escapades - how sick! Really, Beady Eyes should just
stick to regular crossdressers like the rest of us! The ballsacks are just obscene!
Noticing beady eyes' reaction, Clonepa
's head inflated rapidly, like a pig's bladder attached to a garden hose. Within seconds his head exploded, spraying everyone in the vicinity with
pa goo
(which, although chemically completely different, bears a distinct similarity to
SpongeBob).
Marisa decided it was time to quietly sneak away, but
couldn't resist
the tasty cupcake that had landed in front of her. It was all done up with nice frilly frosting, just like
Clonepa used to make. Wracked with grief over her headless friend, she
forced herself to enjoy her late friend's last precious gift. She shoved the cupcake down her throat, one painful mouthful at a time. Her eyes stung and her cheeks streamed with tears. How had it come to this? How could fate be so cruel? Why even continue living in a world where your best friend's head might explode at any moment, for no reason at all?
Marisa collapsed into a sobbing heap of limbs, frills and cupcake icing. Everyone else looked nervously at one another,
and were immediately derailed.
In 1459, Gorub McDuckinson of Walchester, New Yevville had no mittens. Because of this, the other residents of Walchester, New Yevville decided to
start a new chapter.
Chapter 99, Part 9: The
Dojiemon was pulling his old tricks again.
The creaky old wagon strained under the weight of his magic act's props as he dragged it fruitlessly from one theater to another.
Suddenly, a platoon of policeman parachuted in from above.
"Stop right there!" shouted one of them. "Your chapter title isn't finished! You'll
never work in this town again!"
CHAPTER 100.23.0.04.a
A Hard Day's Bite
Ethel the modified hog hopped down to the gas station and
was blown to smithereens by the subsequent explosion. One might ask why the gas station had exploded at that moment - had someone left the engine on? Had someone dropped a lit cigarette? Or was it something more malicious - an assassination made to look like an accident? An act of terrorism?
Or had the novel itself decided that that gas station was to explode, simply for the sake of turning Ethel the modified hog into crispy bacon?
The world may never know.
Unless it reads the following sentence:
The gas station was actually a disguised landmine placed there by Astrid Kunsherston III de Muscovy to kill Rex Rockstar. However, his modified hog pet ran free and set off the mine before Rex got too close.
The hog was named Grastcone, and this is his story.
Ethel was his slave name.
Gratscone was born at an early age, from mixed parents - one male, one female. The male one happened to be Goscone, the legendary
sweat hog.
"Gratscone, my son," he'd often say, "Some day you'll
meet Gross Cone, your mother."
Little did either of them know,
Gross Cone is no longer known as Gross Cone. Since 19XX she has been known as Astrid Kunsherston III de Muscovy.
Meanwhile, at the galactic core,
war was beginning. Not a normal war, mind you-- this was to be a war unlike any other. Fought exclusively by half-brothers pitted against each other, armed with copies of every book ever written, ever to be written, being written, not being written, that which had not been written, which will not be written, which will be/is/was possible but will not, is not, was not written, that which could never be written, that which could never be written but was/will be/is being written anyway, etc., etc., etc. The war was to be fought in a giant fishbowl full of water which would be so highly oxygenated as to be breathable, like it were air. Nobody was quite sure yet what the war would be about, and so the two sides met to discuss this so that they could just start this damn war already.
The meeting was held in
Azathoth's rectum.
THE CAGE!!! Impatience had gripped both sides and they knew that something would inevitably erupt at the meeting. The first 20 minutes were tense but under control... a key speaker was idly tapping a pen aganst hs desk when it bounced out of his hands and when he went to pick it up, a member of the opposite party kicked it away.The reaction was instant:
"I hate these theme pubs," muttered General Cosgone, as he
prepared a nitrous oxide tank. He strapped the inhaler over his mouth and nose. "Ever since that incdent with the
diarrhoea dump
diner and
Kofi Kingston.
"
Everyone else present stared at him expectantly, willing him to go on. But, to their horror, his eyelids slowly sank over his glassy eyes, and from his slack mouth erupted a monstrous snore.
And then a dog came. Expectedly, he was very angry.
He bit General Cosgone on the butt and
therefore was sentenced to death by elephant.
The elephant was also very angry.