The giant >>737, or >>737 (Aopoda melanoleuca, literally meaning "black and white cat-foot") is a bear native to central-western and south western China. It is easily recognized by its large, distinctive black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its round body. Though it belongs to the order Carnivora, >>737's diet is 99% bamboo. >>737s in the wild will occasionally eat other grasses, wild tubers, or even meat in the form of birds, rodents or carrion. In captivity they may receive honey, eggs, fish, yams, shrub leaves, oranges, or bananas along with specially prepared feed.
>>739 stars in panda porn, which are movies depicting pandas mating, intended to promote sexual arousal in captive Giant Pandas. Under zoo conditions, pandas have in general proven unenthusiastic about mating, placing their species in danger of extinction.
I don't get it
>>744 doesn't know how to make the sad panda go away. Baka! Baka!
>>746 really needs to get off his backside and learn the rest of the カタカナ characters. Sadly, he never will, because he is a panda.
>>749 refuses to have sex, much to the dismay of the zookeepers.
Zookeepers showed panda pr0nz to >>750, but he would rather watch anything else on TV.
>>751 is a sedentary panda who watches too much television altogether.
>>752 goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." And the doctor said, "No. You're a panda."
>>753 makes quality posts inbetween sleeping and stuffing his face with bamboo.
>>755 is the panda whose picture is engraved on the bronze plaque on the Voyager space probe.
From an early age, >>756 always showed a great affinity for pandas. He would spend hours watching nature documentaries in the hopes of catching a glimpse of one of these majestic creatures. He led a solitary childhood, and grew to become a social outcast. He knew he was irrevocably different from his peers. While they were out inebriating themselves and having casual sex, he spent his free time gorging himself on bamboo shoots bought from the local oriental supermarket. They could never understand. He was a panda at heart, and they were mere humans.
Years later, he dropped out of college and lived on his own. He dreamed about how his life could have been and lamented the cruelty of fate. He cursed his hairless monochrome body; his nimble pinkish hands; his stomach's inability to digest raw bamboo.
One night, he could take it no longer. He made plans to throw himself off the nearest bridge into a deep gorge. He whiled away his last hours on the internet in a haze of alcohol, intermittent crying and masturbating to pictures of pandas.
He happened to open a page he had bookmarked months ago; a small textboard known as "The Elitist Superstructure of DQN". He hadn't thought much of it at the time, but as his tired eyes swept over the thread titles, he noticed those wonderful words:
ITT the previous poster is a panda
He laughed! He cried! He gave it thirty seconds thought, and made a brief post inspired by another thread which happened to be on the front page.
He knew it wouldn't truly make him a panda - truly, nothing ever could. But to have someone reaffirm his belief, to tell him it's okay, he is a panda in some capacity, would mean everything to him.
It's okay, >>756. I understand.
You are a panda.
>>757 is a kind panda with a talent for beautiful storytelling.
>>758 is a beautiful panda with soft, clean fur and deep blue eyes.
>>759 is a sweet-talking panda who may just get to do his part in preserving his species yet.
>>763 is an Arctic brown bear who accidentally put laundry bleach on his coat while laundering it. At first he was angry, then he noticed that his new markings made it easier for him to cadge food from the tourists. Oddly, they keep giving him bamboo shoots.
>>764 's picture is used in the logo for the "Panda Express" quasi-Chinese fast-food chain.
>>765 tries unsuccessfully to fool gullible tourists into believing that he's a vicious mountain bear.
Anyways, >>1, please listen to me. That it's really related to this thread.
I went to >>769-san's house a while ago; you know, >>769-san?
Well anyways there was an insane amount of bamboo there, and I could barely open the door.
Then, I looked in his fridge, in the kitchen, and it had bamboo in it.
Oh, the stupidity. That idiot.
You, don't put bamboo in the fridge just because it's edible, fool.
It's only bamboo, I bet it doesn't even go off for crying out loud.
There're even black eyeshadow in his bedroom. Eyeshadow, for blackening the area around your eyes, huh? How fucking nice.
"Alright, I'm gonna be a panda." God I can't bear to watch.
You, I'll give you some kind of virtual reality if you just stop embarrassing yourself.
Being a panda shouldn't be a desirable thing.
That meaningless lifestyle, where a panda in a bamboo forest spends its entire life doing nothing,
the terminally sedate mentality, that's why pandas are an endangered species.
People who think they're "cute" should screw off and stay home.
Anyways, I was about to leave, and then >>769-san goes "Mreeeh, mreeeeh, I'm a panda."
Who in the world do you think you're fooling, you moron?
I want to ask him, "Do you REALLY think pandas make noises like that?"
I want to interrogate him. I want to interrogate him for roughly an hour.
Are you sure you don't just want to pretend to be another species for attention?
Coming from a panda impersonator veteran such as myself, the best way of dealing with them is this, punching them in the face.
That's right, punching them in the face. This is the most time efficient solution.
Punching them in the face means they might reconsider their way of life. But on the other hand the police may get involved.
This is the key.
And then, they'll give up trying to be a panda. This is best for everyone.
However, if you aren't careful then there is a danger that you'll just give them a victim complex; it's a double-edged sword.
I can't recommend it to amateurs.
What this all really means, though, is that you, >>771, can just fuck right off if you were about to accuse me of being a panda.
>>771 has been a panda for 2,008 days, or nearly five and a half years.
>>774 is a mathematician panda who is far more interested in the beauty of complex differential equations than that of female members of his species.
>>775 Would rather play all 999 games on all 100 of his fake Famicom things than have pandasex.
>>780
Is an elite hacker panda that has r00ted every server on the i'net.
>>784 is a traitor panda, known for being the right-hand man of Augustus Platypus, a tyrant platypus dictator hellbent on destroying the panda civilization as we know it.
>>788 passed his panda diploma with flying colours. Because he's a panda.
>>795 saw http://www.poweringsocialmedia.com/blog/wp-content/uploads//2012/05/Panda-Farmer-Google-cartoon.jpg and exclaimed "It's so true!" and set it as his desktop wallpaper
>>797's biological father is a panda, as is his biological mother.
>>800 Bought and wore a mask so people thought he wasn't a panda. Too bad he didn't have enough Yuan to buy the entire costume.
>>803 is an evil panda who wants to enslave all humanity and force them to provide him with a constant stream of bamboo shoots.
>>804 is basically just a black and white bear
... with a VENGEANCE
A computer algorithm designed to recognise pandas by their style of posting on the internet returned a 97% probability of pandahood upon analysing >>808.
>>813 Bought fake udders from a gift shop and pretended to be a Holstein cow. Too bad pandas can't say "moo."
>>814 went on a quest to find a panda. Little did he know, he was a panda all along!
>>816 suspiciously uses BitCoin to purchase bamboo from China over the internet.
If >>821 ever comes into contact with an antipanda, they will both annihilate in a spray of gamma rays.
Many people take photos of >>822 and then make stupid comments.
Stop trying to change the subject, >>829! We know you're really the panda.
