Hey guys and girls,
I have a girlfriend and I suppose we are about ready to have sex, but to be honest something is bothering me, especially when we are NOT together (when we are I tend to forget about it). Basically, I'm still a virgin, because I haven't had many chances yet and to be honest I never wanted to have sex (especially not the first time) with a girl I didn't love.
She on the other hand, is quite different. She hasn't been sexually active for that long yet, but in the time that she has been, she has had sex with a number of guys (I'm not going to give exact numbers, some might consider it lots, others will think it's barely something... but in my circles (geeks) it's definitely considered more then average). I think some of these guys have been her boyfriend, but I think most of them have been casual sex (one-night stands too) and fuckbuddies (I know she had one right before me). Those last two things bother me much more then the fact that she has had sex with other guys.
I know she loves me and I very much doubt she would cheat on me, but it still bothers me that in her past sex has been something she did it with guys just for fun, while I've been holding out until I met the right girl.
To complicated matters somewhat, she also is quite active online and there is lots of info to be found on her past sexlife. I somehow can't restrain myself from looking at this, although I know it will probably just hurt my feelings and it makes me feel like a stalker. I think she is aware of the fact that I know this info is on the web, I don't think she realizes how much I really know. I did find anonymous stuff about me posted by her, which I simply recognized because of the facts in it and way it was written. Also, in our conversations about sex she has said she had boyfriends before me, but she hasn’t mentioned the casual sex at all (something I don’t hold against her btw).
I doubt all this will make me nervous when we are going to have sex because I don't think about it when I'm with her (I love her), so that's not a problem, but it is annoying me when we are not together and I think about her (which is most of the time).
Any advice / suggestions? (I guess I also wrote this because sometimes it's just nice to write things down)
1) Get her checked for STDs.
2) If the girl really matters to you, you two will learn to get over the fact that you two treated your sexualities differently in the past. Protip: This is NOT the only difference between you two (you two being different individuals, with different pasts and upbringings and etc). If you can't handle this, then you two sure as heck won't be able to handle any other differences.
Don't interrogate her, but you two need to convey what associations you have to your sex-lives. What many different things do you feel sex is connected to? Get used to this. You and any partner of yours are not mental clones. You two have different connotations and associations, because of different reasons. Learn why and how, instead of being ignorant toward each other, as the latter will only create a wider and wider rift in any relationship.
So she has had sex. and fuck buddies etc. in the real world thats fine. thats normal. its actualyl pretty great. and you know what she probably enjoyed it.
i have had a few non sexually active boyfriends and tbh it kinda freaked me out because i know whta i am like sexuall andi know what i want. and they know... nothing.
i feel (personally) that waiting till its love etc etc is a pretty outdated idea. sure its llovely but its also outdated. and mainly a girl thing. so when i meet a guy my age who hasnt had sex, i am frankly a bit worried. its not the norm.
anyway thats my two cents worth
>>3
Around what age is it abnormal for a male to be a virgin, in your opinion? D:
>>4
Fuck "abnormal"/"normal". Don't be a bloody sheep. You don't have to be "just like everyone else". If you're not ready for it, you're not. Not having had sex doesn't make you less worth, just less experienced in that field, and that field alone.
>>3
You're revolting.
>>1
Unless you're up for some future heartbreak and possibly inreperable emotional damage, back out now. Find yourself a nice girl; a virgin or someone who's been betrayed but has never betrayed, someone who has only tried for lifelong commitment but was let down. Go fix a heart instead of ruining your own.
>>6
Hmm, do you think that is very likely to happen? The worst I can see happening is the relationship not working out, something that can happen with any girl, so I don't see why I should break up already. I love her and any future heartbreak is a risk I'm willing to take. It's just my somewhat obsessive thoughts about her past that bothers me, I just think about it too often.
I know my girlfriend doesn't see me as just another fuckbuddy. I was somewhat worried about her intentions before and tbh it's the reason why I've waited until now, I think if I hadn't known about her past we would have had sex by now. And if she was interested in just sex she probably would have dumped me by now and found some other guy.
be happy you even have a g/f and stop complaining. theres alot of us here who would love to be in your shoes right now.
>>The worst I can see happening is the relationship not working out
Yeah, exactly, and you're all calm and alright with that now because you're longing to do her, but you won't be calm and alright about it if it happens. I can tell from what you're writing, an experience like that holds the potential to fuck you up. You are better of with a "nice" girl.
And yes I think that is very likely to happen. I understand she isn't interested in sex only, and she's capable of holding back now when her emotional cravings are fed by her affections, but you should never rely on those in ANY person. Look at how people are when they are not in love instead and you know what you'll go back to later. Her past gives away your future. It's a fact it's like this, a temporary spur of emotions doesn't change a human being, it only lets her down when she lands. And trust me she will, we all do.
Maybe you are right, maybe not. Personal experience for you may not hold true for everyone. But I guess if this thread has proven anything to me is that I definitely don't want to break up with her, even if her past does bother me (although it shouldn't), now that I think about it. And about her past giving away her future, all it tells me right now is that she likes sex (I don't mind that), not necessarily that she will go for another guy quickly. Although maybe I'm just in denial :P
>>Personal experience for you may not hold true for everyone.
Oh but they do. I might be wrong, but if I am it's not because I'm wrong, it's because I misjudged either you or her. I might have done that, and in that case enjoy your girlfriend.
>>Although maybe I'm just in denial :P
Yes you are. And people fucking a lot of people a lot and being open about it doesn't give away a liking to sex, it gives away a tasteless demeanor anchored in die-hard immorality. It's cool with people who like sex but don't shove their habits in everyones faces, sex is supposed to be a private thing, any other way it turn shit sour.
Her past should bother you, stop being a hypocrite about your real thoughts so you can appease this thing you're becoming, just to promote smooth interaction with the object of your affections. You know it should bother you and you know why. Don't be a fucking cunt.
I might just have a false image of you too, but I hope I don't. If I do however just fuck her already and get it over with. See how far you can take your old-fashion sexual fantasies with her. And if this one fails, just open up a new session of grand sex-play, aka relationship with someone else.
That’s the thing you see
Most 25 years old guys average 5 fuck partners max
Most 25 years old gals average 15 to 20 fuck partners
It means 2 things:
1 - Some guys out there are very lucky...
2 - We need to accept this (not necessary like it)
>>12
Man, most women are more of a whore than us guys if what you say hold some truth.
Well many guys here would like to be sex stars...
We just can't right ?
Girls, even the ugliest will always find someone to fuck them.
Can we say the same ?
>>1
From her numerous sexual encounters, I can't really see her settling and having a long term relationship with a virgin. The fact that she's had fuckbuddies suggest that she has a large appetite and thinks that sex is "just sex". Hence if she can't be sexually satisfied, there's no guarantee she won't cheat on you with this mindset.
On the other hand, her sexual past may make you inclined to experiment with other partners yourself, whether it be for revenge, jealousy, curiosity or fulfillment.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but I just can't see this relationship working out long term. Especially if you value your virginity.
Everytime I read/hear shit like that I think of a certain girl and feel really bad/get pissed off. Guess she knew she could not handle a binding relationship with a "good guy", so she cut me loose, yet I know she won't take a vow of celibacy. Sooner or later she'll be out there, fucking other guys. I respect her for the honesty and the kind gesture, but it still frustrates me beyond words that we never got a chance to even try. I just know that if I had come to her like a whore instead she would have taken me for the fucking, I hate knowing that.
OPer. It's heartache either way. If you don't try you'll always think: what if. Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, I suppose.
>someone who's been betrayed but has never betrayed, someone who has only tried for lifelong commitment but was let down
Uho! Inferiority complex ahoy! The need for women with low expectations... That doesn't bode well for you. Please mature, >>6-san. (And no, maturity has nothing to do with sex).
>Her past gives away your future.
Downright false. Her past INDICATES a possible future. However, I know plenty of people, men and women alike, who had similar pasts to OP's gf and then later happily settled with partner. People grow, people change. Small changes, big changes - time affects everyone.
>Hence if she can't be sexually satisfied, there's no guarantee she won't cheat on you with this mindset.
This is why OP needs to clearly discuss such rules for the relationship with her, and be aware of that rules don't have to be cast in stone, though it's perfectly okay to demand certain rules be perpetually followed for the relationship to still be valid (also, make sure about what constitutes as cheating, different people have different ideas - some consider casual no-strings attached flirting cheating, some don't consider anything below sex cheating). Perhaps the two partners will grow apart later, perhaps not. It's important to try to not take a possible fall-out too personally.
Also, if both partners are openminded and exerimental, and don't have some sort of retarded "pride" in bed ("Oh noes! I didn't perform perfectly! That must mean I've shamed myself! Shame shame shame! Now I must behave oddly and distanciate myself!"), there shouldn't be a problem with anyone being satisfied. Casual sex is casual sex: It's fun, but really awesome sex comes from being with someone that actually means more, that makes your mind tingle with happiness and love. That kind of sex is a lot more worth than "just" sex.
Also: Sex is fun, and so it's important to be able to laugh in bed. If something doesn't go as planned, be amused at it, and don't let that stop you two from being happy.
I second >>16's >Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
It's painful when you lose people, but it's a learning experience. Treasure the good moments, learn from the bad.
I would use her dude, obviously she uses other guys so why would you be any different, and if you do the same and she leaves you for another guy and says she only wanted sex then you can say the same, girls love to leave a relationship being the innocent one or the one who takes all the glory, well deny her that.
>>Uho! Inferiority complex ahoy! The need for women with low expectations... That doesn't bode well for you. Please mature, >>6-san. (And no, maturity has nothing to do with sex).
What makes you so sure it has something to do with inferiority complex? I know sex goes bad if you're intimidated by your partner, wether it's your first time or if you've nailed a lesser country worth of chicks. 95% of the performance lies in our mentality.
I'm not scared of people with sexual experience, it just disgusts me that someone will form their relationship with me based on prior relationships, and not a clean ground from what we will build together. I guess it's possible to completely reset if you are crazy enough about someone new, but most often people carry shadows of their old relationships with them into the next. I guess I could trust that love will overcome, but I don't. I don't trust you motherfuckers, you're all rotten to the core, permanently damaged goods. It will just cause a lot of stupid shit and perhaps a total breakdown of the relationship, just because I would have to battle all the girls previous boyfriends that she brought with her for the fucking ride. She will project their retardedness on me, I will be judged by their standard, all the damage they have caused her, I'll have to piece together. She won't let go, people never do, they just let their ghosts eat them alive.
They will become prozac-munchers, they will get pissed, irritable and depressed for no reasons related to you, something alright you do will push an invisible button and start a fucking shitstorm. We call it personality and character.
>>Downright false. Her past INDICATES a possible future. However, I know plenty of people, men and women alike, who had similar pasts to OP's gf and then later happily settled with partner. People grow, people change. Small changes, big changes - time affects everyone.
No, it's the masks people stick in your face to hide their shame that is downright false. Sit there, ignorant motherfucker, and watch as they crumble one by one. People rather change their image than actually changing themselves, but the image can't hold back the shit within them forever, it starts leaking, first to the closest, the spouse, the children, then friends will start notice the signs, unless this motherfucker is particularly good at hiding it. If so it will come like a lightning from clear sky. "WTF, she cheated on her husband? SHE???" "He killed himself!? HE did??? Why??"
The people who are "alright" are the ones who somehow manage to mold their shit into something tolerable, but they are, in the end, few. Everyone breaks down, relationships never last, thats why they only lasted when it was forbidden and/or massively frowned upon to break them. And those that still lasts, except a very few, are miserable.
Don't sit there thinking you know how shit plays, looking at peoples masks, the roles they play, it's just make believe.
>Most 25 years old guys average 5 fuck partners max
>most 25 years old gals average 15 to 20 fuck partners
FO not a great star at maths, but thinks this is bit queer.
Maybe number of 'most' 25 year old guys = 3 to 4 times number of 'most' 25 years old gals?
Assuming approximately 50/50 distribution of male/female population of course. Seems like weird perspective on girls...
>>21 Agrees, most of my guy friends have been with well over 30 girls and they are just over 18.
>>22 I myself have only been with 9, and I just turned 18.
>and not a clean ground from what we will build together.
>but most often people carry shadows of their old relationships with them into the next.
You're either awfully naive or awfully ignorant. Everybody have relationships they consider when thinking of their own, even if that's their first one. The relationships of family, friends, fictional characters, everything else. A virgin will not be some clean slate, she can be horribly ignorant about sex, both in theory and practice, but she will still have a fuckload of preconceived ideas about how relationships are supposed to be.
>unless this motherfucker is particularly good at hiding it.
It's one thing to wear a poker-face during a game, it's something completely different to flawlessly almost constantly act as if a certain thing or a thousand doesn't exist, during your daily life. There will be cracks in your mask, and for most of the people who aren't professionally trained there will be tons of cracks. Some of us tend to notice and pay attention to small details. I don't know about most people, but I usually don't have problems seeing through masks of people I get to know around me. Some of my friends get annoyed from time to time at my habit of noticing things they'd rather pretend didn't exist or happen.
>>You're either awfully naive or awfully ignorant.........
Oh ffs!
Real experiences have a much bigger impact because they relate to us in a different way than imagination and theory.
One of the things I've stated, either in this thread or anotherone, is exactly that; preconcieved ideas about both relationships and sex affects how we enter and entertain these things even before our first experience.
But still, being affected by theory it's not the same thing as having been impaired by past experiences. It's not the same thing to look at something unfelt and think about how you want to act in accordance to this, as being moved into acting a sertain way as by instinct, because it has crawled into your spine thanks to something experienced.
>>It's one thing to wear a poker-face during a game, it's something completely different to flawlessly almost constantly act as if a certain thing or a thousand doesn't exist, during your daily life.........
Well if you're so attentive then you should know what I'm talking about. Besides, I never claimed peoples faqades are flawless, I claimed that what they put on display make them percievable as a functional human being. We all have apparant flaws, we all get our bouts of depression, we have ups and downs. A cronically depressed person have ups and downs, a suicidal person have good days with sunny side up, sexual abuse-victims may love sex and mass-murderers can be adorable persons. A relationship that is hitting rock bottom can have great days when mom and dad are happy and the whole family go visit a zoo or something, but then the next day they have a horrible fight which becomes the final straw. It's not the ups and downs that is the state of our lifes, it's the summary of it all that is, and it's the summary that will eventually take one of those peaks of misery and turn it into an excuse to end things.
You don't see a persons summary of things, you see the ups and downs, thats the things you notice and talk about, and when you've talked out about one of these issues the comforting pal will feel like she has solved her friends problems, but the friend will be heavy at heart behind that smiling face, knowing they have only touched the tip of the iceberg. It's still there, and one day it will end things.
So I won't draw everyone over the same line, there are people who turn out ok, but as for most, they keep getting worn down, and shit ends. You sit there and praise your friends and their relationships. I'm telling you for sure, they will crumble one by one, they will cheat, lie, turn into perverts, they will fight, drink their brains out, do drugs, beat their children and beat eachother. Even if they somehow stick together it will be like they are enemies, and they will have their shit each in their own corner, and their kids will grow up ruined.
Not all, but I say almost everyone.
>This is why OP needs to clearly discuss such rules for the relationship with her..
Okay, setting a rule about "cheating" sounds way too foreign. I mean, isn't that a given? You don't have to state it in words, the respect and trust should be there.
"Oh, I didn't know what you constituted as cheating, so I thought it'd be okay to bonk your friend here. But don’t worry, it’s just sex, you’re the one I love…really."
>>23
Lol...only.
We have a name for those types of people..and it's not stud.
>>27 Oh you got me all wrong mate, I only have sex with women that I care alot for, I dont just go out and hump every girl I see, Im no man whore, all the girls ive had sex with I'm still friends with.
I don't give a fuck if it's socially acceptable to have sex just for the enjoyment. Fuck buddies, one night stands, I am not for that shit, even if the people on MTV think it's alright. Sex is the most intimate you can get in a relationship. A girl opening her legs just for enjoyment doesn't settle well with me, and it never will. If you don't agree with me, that's fine, but actually no, fuck you. Fuck the world that makes these people into believing that if they are not sticking their dick in a girl at every chance they get, it cheapens their worth. And just so you people know, there ARE girls/guys out there that share those same believes. Not everyone in those world whores themselves out just for a night so they can feel good about themselves. There's a reason a lot of people that do this have fucking personal issues.
And that's my two cents. Take it for what you want. You can flame me, laugh at me, call me a fag, I don't care. I'm not here to fit in, and I never will be, I just wanted to get that off my chest.
>>29 MTV? Who said anything about MTV? Sex is enjoyment, if god didnt want us to enjoy sex he wouldn't have made it feel good he would have made it painful, its one of the most wonderful things on earth and I enjoy it as often as possible, if you don't agree, then dont have sex, miss out, more for me and everyone else.
>>29
I would have laughed at you if you would have had double-standards.
>Fuck the world that makes these people into believing that if they are not sticking their dick in a girl at every chance they get, it cheapens their worth.
I quite agree with this piece, I'm annoyed at the large amount of virgins whining about still being virgins, as if it makes them any less worth, regardless of their gender. I can see why they usually do it, but that doesn't really make it less annoying, just sad.
>she has solved her friends problems,
That on the other hand is laughable. I know very well that problems won't go away after some casual small-talk. Some things can take years or even decades to get over, some things will never fully be processed.
Regarding how a brief glance or casual chat won't tell you how a person is really doing: Yes, Captain Obvious (though I understand that it's not obvious for everyone). One of my aquaintances, he was sitting and telling jokes at his parents' home, seemingly being in very good spirits, right before walking home to his place and trying to kill himself (though he was fortunately found thanks to a surprise visit). Another aquaintance (a friend of a friend) almost managed to kill herself after having been doing very well for a few weeks. It's not rare for people who finally decided to kill themselves to be in a very good mood, feeling as if a great weight has been lifted off their shoulders.
A friend of mine had his life royally fucked up thanks to his parents unhealthy need to keep up the appearances of a "perfect" family no matter what. (Incidentally, his parents were both virgins, and the mother at least was a virgin: being raised by highly christian parents tends to do that). He's doing a lot better now, but you could talk with him for weeks, months and years without grasping quite what he's gone through, especially as he only mentions anthing about it to two people in his life. I dislike the sick need of keeping masks too many have, even though I dislike the attention-whoring with a lot of personal details too many seem to do nowadays as well.
>sexual abuse-victims may love sex
This isn't rare, if you weren't already aware of that. For instance a friend of a friend, after having been sexually abused from the age of five by her older brother, for over a decade, has difficulties grasping that her worth as a person isn't about how well she can physically please people, and she really loves sex and sexual pleasure because of the satisfaction of having it confirm her worth and "safe" world-view.
>It's not the ups and downs that is the state of our lifes, it's the summary of it all that is,
I agree with this, and I foolishly thought it was obvious to the average human. Or perhaps we're thinking of it in slightly different ways?
I'm fond of having "odd" conversations with people, discussing life, the universe and everything even with people I've only just met. What their past was like, their experiences, values, the dreams they have and had, and the plans they've decided to follow with what.. I'm very well aware of that people aren't going to blurt out everything and not tell a single lie, but catching people off-guard sometimes intrigues them enough to actually to not hold back too much, especially if they don't have anything to lose. (And obviously sometimes they make a lot of bullshit up because they're curious about what that'll result in - that's usually rather entertaining.)
I'm not going to bother them if they're not interested in talking about personal things either (not that it's usually the first type of stuff I talk about), there are plenty of other stuff to talk about or do, if they are interested in interacting with me.
>and it's the summary that will eventually take one of those peaks of misery and turn it into an excuse to end things.
I disagree with this. Just because shit happened in the past doesn't mean it automatically has to snowball on you.
>Not all, but I say almost everyone.
I obviously disagree with this. I have no problems admitting that a lot of people are too jaded and hurt from having too many crap relationships, but I disagree with that almost everyone is like that. In my opinion there are plenty of other factors that matter just as much for how someone's life'l be, that's unrelated to whether or not they've had sex/a relationship before a longterm/life-long one.
>I'm telling you for sure, they will crumble one by one, they will cheat, lie, turn into perverts, they will fight, drink their brains out, do drugs, beat their children and beat eachother. Even if they somehow stick together it will be like they are enemies, and they will have their shit each in their own corner, and their kids will grow up ruined.
...If you're arguing that this won't happen to people who haven't been in relationships before.. I'm going to have to be rather baffled and wonder how on Earth you manage to keep that world-view.
I've both directly and indirectly seen serious longterm relationships like that turn awful. (obviously not just that, though, the same way I've seen plenty of happy longterm relationship that involved people who had dated/had sex with others before.)
>>31 He did come off as an asshole but "God" doesn't have to be about the Bible. He probably meant that God though.
However there are plenty of other things that we'd frown at today in the Bible. Concubines for instance, or having to marrying the widow of your brother, diet-related items and so on.