[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [SHORT] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6520 20:59

Add on to this sentence

In the year 5000, when man is spreading himself across the solar system,

701 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 00:04


702 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 12:47

before returning to his master: none other than

703 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 14:47

the Bamakonian salt miner, who was actually

704 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 15:23

a subordinate of Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, who had been subversively gathering GETs in preparation for a nefarious plot involving

705 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 18:31

the Big Book Of DQN Mad-Libs, half a ton of rancid yak butter, and a very depraved

706 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 20:23

Quake player.

707 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 20:57

I cannot make sense of this story anymore.

708 Name: !ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6779 23:07

- interrupted Grandpa, "You, kids, got youself quite a vivid fantasy. When I was a young lad like you... and trust me I was..."

709 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 00:13

Without a word, the author stopped typing. He took the last two chapters, crumpled them up and threw them in the bin. Casually, with a practised motion, he then took out a lighter, poured a healthy dose of lighter fluid over it and set them on fire.

Chapter 3 Version II:

710 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 00:41

Nobody Cares About Venice

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After the invasion of the Penis People of the planet Uranus,

712 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 03:12

was defeated by the One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People Eaters,

713 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 04:38

a flickering fluorescent hallway lined with marble statues stretched out before the eyes of

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the last remaining

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big fat butt.

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To commemorate the occasion, it said unceremoniously,

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Shrouded in silent twilight, the Danube river took on an ethereal gleam, its silver surface reflecting the

719 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 22:26

cloudy figure of the great loli in the sky as she drifted gracefully across the sky, eternally searching for

720 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 22:45

her lost cat. The feline in question had died long ago,

721 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 23:28

in a tragic teleporter accident that Prof. Kleiner still refuses to admit happened, but the great loli in the sky was OK with the idea of recovering her pet in a gaseous state, just as long as she got it back at all.

722 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 02:14

Little did she know that light years away, her cat had just been farted out the last remaining big fat butt. This cat, whose name was

723 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 06:58

Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III

724 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 15:22

, had been an integral part of the

725 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 15:34

East Prague Underground Democratic Movement

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; a group aiming to eradicate

727 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 08:53

democracy, which everyone thought was kind of odd except for

728 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 09:04

Prof. Kleiner, who was rather sober about the dichotomous shift.

729 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 10:22

Without the guidance of Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, the EPUDM

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stooped as low as accepting the application of one big fat butt, despite the clearly visible Snidely Whiplash moustache whenever you squinted at its shadow from just the right angle. This could not possibly end well, and few were surprised when, exactly seventeen days and one hour later,

731 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 23:07

devilish acts of sodomy transpired in the catacombs.

732 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 02:29

After all, the EPUDM was well-known for its fondness of devilish acts of sodomy.

733 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 06:32

What did surprise everybody was that during the sodomistic confusion, the moustached big fat butt had managed to infiltrate the depths of EPUDM headquarters.

You see, the teleportation incident had been no accident. The BFB had carefully engineered Alistair's transfer into his body, in order to orchestrate this very infiltration. The accidental flatulence of said leader had not been part of the plan, but the BFB wasn't too worried - he had already stolen Alistair's DNA and passwords, which was enough to make it through EPUDM security. He hardly imagined that a gaseous cat floating through space would be able to stop him now.

Now at the center of EPUDM and armed with full administrative power over their systems, the BFB rubbed his cheeks together with joy and prepared to finally enact his dastardly plan:

734 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 07:57

swapping all their coffee with decaf, leaving their milk unrefridgerated, and, when nobody was expecting it, detonating the on-site emergency nuclear warhead.

His plan

735 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 12:43

was surely flawless. Unfortunately for BFB, the great sky loli

736 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 15:38

loved drinking lukewarm milk (if you know what I mean), and in fact had stored several small milk containers hidden underneath the detonation button. Thus, when it was pressed, the only thing to detonate was the console containing the button, with a pungent sour smell that would surely end up getting blamed on BFB.

737 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 19:43

Without warning, a squadron of armed soldiers wearing the Second Prussian Alliance Natural Killers insignia burst through the doors. In a rugged manly voice, the squadron leader shouted "You

738 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 21:30


739 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 22:34

But then BFB ran into a dark alley and removed his Gray Fox mask, and everyone was cool again.

Chapter 4: A gaseous cat in the knee

740 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 04:29

Three nights ago, before the whole incident with the Great Sky Loli (whom everyone, might it be said, believed to have exited the story forever), a man by the name of Polymer Pete had completed his greatest invention. It was

741 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 08:03

rather unimpressive, to be honest. It didn't even

742 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 09:48

permanently eliminate world hunger, or make peace between warring nations. Still, as Polymer Pete's inventions went, it was the best he was likely to come up with in a long time. Maybe this one would make his mother acknowledge his existence once more, and Polymer Pete had never desired any better outcome.

743 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 10:03

His invention had been perfected - however,

744 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 11:05

the most unfortunate event would transpire precisely three days later, shortly after Polymer Pete's invention was unveiled. You see, he was never much of an engineer to begin with. But the EPUDM needed him, for he was in fact the only capable engineer supportive of their cause. Thus when they contracted him to invent the console which would control the launch of their nuclear warhead, they had no idea how faulty it would turn out to be.

745 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 17:43

Hence, when the BFB pushed the button, an

746 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 20:35

entire squadron of Imperial Guardsmen swarmed out of the portal that had appeared instead of the expected launched nuke.
They looked around and saw all of this heresy and were disgusted. "Hail the Emprah!", they shouted, and immediately began to

747 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 21:02

glance at each other nervously, unsure of exactly what to do. You see, this particular squadron

748 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6785 07:28

had a habit of going into battle completely unarmed. As a consequence, they went through new recruits like a chainsword through warm butter, but that's no reason to break with a perfectly fine regimental tradition.

749 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6785 10:20

"Does the 750th post even count as a GET these days?" inquired

750 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6785 10:34

Tharsh, who had recently been born of an interesting captcha but already posessed the mental and physical traits of a fully-grown adult. He then proceeded to

751 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 01:08

butter his toast with a chainsword.

752 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 12:43

"WHARRRGARBL! Toast for breakfast!" screamed Tharsh. Tharsh was cranky because he had toast crumbs inside his power armor.

753 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 13:08

The GSL effortlessly lifted Tharsh from the room and told him

754 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 13:12

that breakfast was long since over, and it was better to think about tea-time instead.

755 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 15:24

Upon alighting, Tharsh did his very best to restrain his barbarian toastly urges and engage in the tea party in a civilised manner, as was expected of him. Nonetheless, he couldn't

756 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 15:34

seem to find the sugar bowl. This misfortunate absence of a dish convenient for hiding small things like sugar or microphones caused Tharsh to

757 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 16:40

make impromptu use of his nostrils for the job, which aside from looking very silly was also terribly inefficient.

758 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 17:48

Marie Antoinette and her sister, who were also attending the tea party, were not amused. They

759 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 19:08

found that they were much more efficient at disposing bodies than giving birth to them. One of them gave birth to a body of water and created a planet similar to earth. The other stopped in her tracks and

760 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 19:35

was run over by a freight train.

Regrettably, a certain large obtuse backside was

761 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 20:13

not also killed in the accident... or was it an accident? In fact,

762 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 21:32

nobody had their eyes open during the concert, it was the coincidence of the century: everybody blinked at the same time. Newspapers

763 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 01:49

were outdated by several centuries - therefore no longer existed - and so instead,

764 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 11:19

people held large rectangular sheets of low-quality paper covered entirely in adverts. This meant that the

765 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 11:53

new planet's creation was utterly missed by the entire population of the solar system, who were too busy looking for a good bargain on shoes.

766 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 12:33

Tharsh gazed at his surroundings, as though seeing them for the first time, and saw his world for what it truly was:

767 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 05:11

an incredibly complex roguelike game made of political intrigues rather than monster slaying.

768 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 06:33

It was anal leakage in a downright horrid way.

769 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 06:42

Speaking of anal leakage, the gaseous cat was busy

770 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 12:12

being completely inconsequential, although he was sure he fit in this whole fiasco some way or another.

"What a gas!" he said as he

771 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 13:55

drifted through the window of an adult entertainment store.

772 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 17:00

Meanwhile, in the Oort cloud,

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a sinister swarm of nanobots was approaching the solar system,

774 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 17:43

intent on restructuring the Earth into the shape of

775 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 09:26

a giant rodent - which their extraterrestrial employers would assuredly find very humorous.

As it approached Earth, the massive swarm resembled a

776 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 09:44

sinister swarm of nanobots.

"Stop!" said

777 Name: ( E-E) : 1993-09-6789 10:14

Beady Eyes. "I'm really happy for you, I'm-a let you finish, but we have to acknowledge I'm the greatest thread hijacker of all time."

778 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 11:31

But nobody would hear him, and he then asphyxiated due to an inability to breathe interstellar plasma.

779 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 13:46

"Arf," said

780 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 14:43

the queen of

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Catland. The entire population was shocked to hear such canine response from their feline ruler.

782 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 15:37

"...is what I would say if I were a wretched dog, like our sworn enemy!" she continued, flustered and desperate to recover the situation, lest her true canine identity be discovered. Fortunately, the residents of Catland were stupid enough to buy it. Actually, most of them had already completely forgotten about the whole affair and were more occupied by basking in a sunbeam.

"Anyway, I have an important announcement to make," said the queen. "It's about King Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III...

783 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 20:14

--Nyaaagh!" With that undignified screech, the queen was dead. She had been assassinated by none other than

784 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 20:23

Niccolo Machiavelli, brought back to life by

785 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 20:31

the Edinburgh Cult of Undead Moé. Naturally, the citizens of Catland

786 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 00:21

were completely indifferent to the whole affair, being notoriously difficult to lead at the best of times. Most of them had never even realized there had ever been a queen of Catland, and wouldn't have cared even if they had known.

787 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 01:42

Yet this was par for the golf course of feline monarchy, perhaps even a birdie or an eagle, but then nobody was keeping score, especially not the caddy, for Catland royalty specialized in being completely inconsequential. Thus, Niccolo Machiavelli

788 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 01:45

had to concede that his political theories only really work on humans.

789 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 01:49

Disappointed and sexy, Niccolo slunk off into space to forget his problems. But his problems were just beginning.

790 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 14:14

That very second, the nanobots landed and promptly deployed their specialised

791 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 15:27

protein regurgitating apparati. Niccolo has no choice but to

792 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 21:18

throw raw bacon at them in the hopes of delaying them long enough for him to make his getaway. He silently thanked fate that he had thought to fill his pockets with raw bacon that morning in case of

793 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 23:29

breakfast. Breakfast without bacon would be uncivilized, after all.

794 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 01:02

Nanobots momentarily pacified, he ran to the only place he could think of:

795 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 02:20


796 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 02:31

Part 4: Clandestine Cat Culture and the Carnivorous Calico Cormorant
In which Mr. Gray discovers that he made more tea than he bargained for; Barcelona encounters an unnatural wind; nanobots introduce the novel concept of marriage; a fleshy traitor witnesses an underground bowel movement; a former chairman organizes an assassin's conference; a celestial flat-chested female demonstrates the folly of flirting with fashion; felines gather swiftly in a secret salt mine; a panda and a formerly fictional nurse elope to Tijuana; internet characters interrupt the narrative with unrelated concepts; other things probably happen too but who the hell knows what is even going on anymore

797 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 08:44

"My, my. This will not do."

An old maxim once said, or at least to the best of Mr. Gray's memory went something alone the lines of, "Too much tea turns the gentlest men bitter." A profusion of whipping steam rose from his mug. Between ponderous sips he glanced to the pot, now to the tea before him, wondering whether such a statement could possibly hold true. After all, one may simply invite a guest or two to partake in the excess.

"But what, then, if it has cooled upon arrival?"

No - that would be terrible. He sipped with caution. Though the tea had come in large amounts, he steadfastly refused its unceremonious declination. Good tea is the impetus of an excellent day. Perhaps he would leave it to sit, pouring yet another serving should his thirst be so inclined.

"Indeed, I am fond of the stuff. Yet would that I took too much, and too soon, might I eventually be repulsed by its mere aroma?"

Not good. Not good at all.

Interrupting his thoughts,

798 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 09:12

more thoughts thoughtlessly thought their way into Mr. Gray's thought thoroughfare. Those thoughts were in turn interrupted by a third set of thoughts remotely related to the first thoughts. But these third thoughts were thoughtlessly interwoven with yet a fourth thought process. The fourth thoughts were thoroughly thoughtful, though Mr. Gray thought that that thought ought to have been thought through on Thursday.

Then a fifth thought interrupted all the rest: the tea was already growing lukewarm. A shiver shot through Mr. Gray's spine. This tea was going to

799 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 09:50

become cold, and that wouldn't do at all. He picked up the teapot and began gulping down the cooling tea directly from the spout.

800 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 11:19

The tea dripped down his throat like an overturned bucket of paint pouring down the side of a building. The spout smelled metallic. Mr. Gray

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