[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [SHORT] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6520 20:59

Add on to this sentence
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In the year 5000, when man is spreading himself across the solar system,

901 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 12:52

TOUCH MY PINGAS." And William said, "But my dear sir, I already am."

902 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 13:16

DQN-kun was shocked and disgusted by this unholy display of hedonism and pingas touchery. He swore in his waifu's name to

903 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 17:41

obliterate all scoundrels in the known universe and

904 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 18:16

send a very clear warning to those from without.

But the tale was quickly coming to an end. Resolute that he should tie up all loose ends, reconnoitring the roster of rogue characters and turning their disparate vignettes into a plausible whole, DQN-kun set off on a journey that would take him straight across all of space and even some select portions of time.

It was, by this point, the year 50,000, and man had already done a bang-up job of spreading himself across the solar system. Furthermore,

905 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 19:23

every single human being in the entire universe was dead. Yes, all of them. Dr Robotnik was a reanimated corpse, William was never actually a character to begin with and was just a figment of the reader's imagination, DQN-kun was God and DQN-kun's waifu was an ethereal entity from a parallel universe.

48,007 years previously,

906 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 20:53

the author gave up

907 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 21:29

watching lolicon anime, but it was already too late.

908 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 21:50

around the fifth bottle of vodka.

Scanning scattered notes whose fevered scrawlings were all illegible, a kernel of determination grew within his now sober soul. There had to be a pattern here. Some bastion of coherence, even a single plot device with which he could begin to patch up this meandering mess of a nearly finished novel. But where? he asked himself.

That was the question.

He set to work pulling together the cast of characters he'd unwittingly let fall from his formerly frantic mind. A Panda, Beady Eyes, Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, George Bush CXXIX, Ran-tan-tan, Franz Kafka. As he read and re-read just the first several lines, a ray of glistening comprehension shone through his entire being. A few, however, jumped at him from the page like tumultuous fires from the greatest depths of hell.

A 2 is gotten
by A Panda
... promptly derailed by Beady Eyes
Hate - the bite that sets the universe in motion.

He considered the Panda and Beady Eyes as two perpetually warring forces of nature. Reincarnated many times over, their bitter dispute would form the cosmic backdrop of the thing. Yes, it was beginning to come along quite nicely. They had existed since time immemorial, springing into disastrous disruption of mankind's affairs at the most pivotal epoch in his technological evolution - the dawning of the Interstellar Era.

New Manchuria was their first Earthly arena. Accelerating the rate of human development, Beady Eyes had birthed himself as the assassin George Bush CXXIX. He succeeded in a brief massacre, murdering the nearest medical professionals, lest they should discover his unnatural feat. Enter A Panda, whom as Ran-tan-tan had quelled the air of morbid with his characteristically humorous antics.

From there,

909 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 23:49

the shit hit the fan.

910 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 00:01

Espeon become insane and insisted on always using his tripcode, wriggling it around like a shiny golden diamond-encrusted dick which it wasn't.

In the end, people had their memories of sheltered childhood destroyed and obliterated. For this Espeon was sent to North Corea on a "spy mission" and disappeared. This political move raised many questions for Hnnorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, to all of which he replied,

911 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 00:26

"I have no comment at this time."

912 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 05:56

In the midst of everything, Mr. Gray surfaced now and then in an attempt to spin some pseudoliterary value into the otherwise disjointed fanfictionesque narrative.

913 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 10:34

Unbelievably, Tharsh

914 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 16:06

soon took center stage as the novel's protagonist. DQN-kun had not expected this outcome, but the best ideas are the ones that come naturally. To commemorate the occasion, Tharsh said,

915 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 16:47

"Arf."

916 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 16:58

Tharsh only performed his world famous sea lion impression on special occasions. The last time he had done so was

917 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 01:00

in his past incarnation as a Panda, to commemorate his 2GET. But before Tharsh could finish, his sea lion impression was rudely interrupted by

918 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 02:21

a time traveling golden PINGAS.

919 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 08:05

This was, of course, actually Beady Eyes. Somehow.

Just as the author was considering making a start on the final chapter,

920 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 09:02

a sheep named "meemee" appeared and said "meemee."

921 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 12:08

The author instantly recognized it as a spy for the dreaded herd of memesheep. No good could come of this.

922 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 13:33

It was time to call in the wolf.

923 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 15:10

The wolf was called in and she mercilessly slaughtered the obnoxious ovine. On any other day,

924 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 15:21

this service would be free of charge. Today, however,

925 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 22:44

it's also free of charge.

926 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 23:45

Blood dripping from her muzzle, the wolf tenderly reminisced about her childhood

927 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 01:38

, which was filled with fancy doilies and overgrown swing sets.

928 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 02:42

You see, she was an incarnation of the Great Sky Loli.

929 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 19:42

Thus the metaphorical cogs and gears kept turning despite the harsh light cast upon this world's clandestine machinations. All entities knew their roles, strutting and fretting their hour upon the stage, then to be heard of no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing - and this tale was coming to an end.

Chapter Twelve:

930 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 23:50

Butchered Twilight Fragments
Featuring the Magical Magistrate and his Petulant Petition

931 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 00:08

In which the townsfolk celebrate over the butchered fragments of Edward Cullen's body.

932 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 11:21

(Haha, only kidding! It's the last chapter so it's full of unnecessary amounts of explosions, killing major characters off and nonsensical revelations.)

The Piazza San Marco took on an unearthly pallor in the light of the setting sun. The Magical Magistrate, better known as

933 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 22:33

King Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, was napping lightly.

934 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 23:51

It was his birthday a few days ago, and had celebrated with his chums on a 40 hour alcohol-and-stimulant binge. He was still recovering.

935 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6810 07:43

Without warning, the fragile tranquility of this scene was shattered by the return of

936 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6810 12:20

Tharsh and the Great Sky Loli, who had formed an alliance. They then took

937 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6811 20:54

a nasty shit.

938 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6811 21:28

"Meow,"

939 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 00:14

said the shit, which had gained sentience due to the

940 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 10:22

radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb

941 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 13:06

which had formerly been in the possession of one Mr. Gray.

"Our shit is meowing!" the GSL and Tharsh exclaimed in chorus.

"It must be these radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb sunglasses," realized the GSL, slowly removing off the aforementioned eye-wear which was upside-down and glowing with radioactivity. This act caused the universe to

942 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 13:14

explode.

943 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 15:32

The author was killed in said explosion and

944 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 16:30

several other parallel universes were also destroyed.

In one particular parallel universe, however,

945 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 20:02

Jack Noir

946 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 20:08

didn't exist. It was a beautiful day in New Yugoslavia and the Great Sky Shota was playing serendipitously on the shore. Mr Brown sat down on the grass and drank a leisurely cup of coffee. His thoughts were centred on

947 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 22:13

the Manchurian pepper mines, in which a group of canine assassins were gathering in order to

948 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 01:31

seize the Mighty Dong of

949 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 03:35

the Dong Empire. A notoriously

950 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 09:00

veiny

951 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 11:02

Popeye cosplayer

952 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 11:27

was searching desperately through the supermarket trying to find spinach in a can.

953 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 11:31

In this particular parallel universe, spinach was fatally poisonous. The cosplayer intended to commit suicide that night. However,

954 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 13:29

funnily enough, the supermarket did not sell lethal poisons. With a sigh of resignation,

955 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 14:34

he grumbled, "Well, blow me down!" which a passerby took to mean

956 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 15:34

as Popeye cosplayer needed a blow to his skull's coronal suture to send him plummeting through the earth like a jackhammer. As the passerby hopped into the air, can of spinach in hand, suddenly

957 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 20:11

a Bluto cosplayer appeared and

958 Name: ( E-E) : 1993-09-6813 22:32

hijacked the thread, because he was, in fact, Beady Eyes in disguise.

959 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 22:49

"I am your mother!"

960 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 23:00

quoth the cross-dressing Freud clone that barged through the door, crushing Beady Eyes behind it in the process.

961 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 10:27

Suddenly, a huge explosion

962 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 17:14

followed by an explosion that was even bigger and better.

963 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 17:46

was a signal to all that this was now a Michael Bay film.

964 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 18:18

Suddenly, Michael Bay exploded.

Surveying the scene from afar, an elderly

965 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 20:08

Robotpa

966 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 21:06

also exploded.

967 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 21:12

"LUDICROUS GIBS" announced the surveyance monitor.

968 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 22:17

The monitor then proceeded to explode. It appears the universe is beginning to collapse in on itself. "There is only a matter of time to escape this thread! I'd say 32 posts to be exact, I've seen a lot of threads in my time" announced none other than

969 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 22:41

Mr Brown's daughter, a precocious young girl called

970 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 22:57

Chorsh. To prepare for the happy doom that hung over their icy inevitable heads, she proceeded to chow down on french bread spread with nutella, getting crumbs all over skimpy summer wear.

971 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 12:16

"Oh no!" she lamented, "I've got nutella all over myself! There's even some under my bra... If only somebody would come and lick it off..."

972 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 13:27

At that moment, a very large, very hairy gnu with a pedo-smile and a heap of shittily-written open source utilities appeared and said, "Did someone say GNU?"

973 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 14:00

Predictably enough,

974 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 14:19

everything exploded. Again.

975 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 15:23

Including the gnu's rancid penis, which exploded into Chorsh's face.

976 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 15:27

But that didn't really matter because that very second the entire universe imploded.

Meanwhile, in another alternate universe,

977 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 20:09

everyone's underwear

978 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 01:13

exploded.

979 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 12:17

"Muhahahahaha!" cackled Beady Eyes. "My plan was a success!"

980 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 13:48

He hadn't yet noticed that he had neglected to remove his own underwear, which had also exploded.

981 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 16:08

"Oh fiddlesti-" he began to say, then he exploded as well. A panda

982 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 16:10

remarkably did not explode. He was too zen for that shit.

983 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 19:44

Friedrich Nietzsche's ghost

984 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 23:22

, however, was not. He exploded too.

Fortunately, ghosts

985 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 23:28

are gaseous, therefore structural damage from their explosion is minimal. However, they still burn out a lot of

986 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 10:27

ectoplasm. A nearby outcrop of bismuth crystals caused

987 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 18:08

a worldwide

988 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 20:03

sterilization of males due to its interaction with Nietzschean ectoplasm.

989 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 20:20

"Oh shit!" said God, "There's only ten posts left and all we've got is exploding ghosts and bismuth crystals! How are we going to

990 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 22:10

resolve all the plot holes, develop all the characters, or coalesce the narrative into any sort of coheren-"

God exploded.

991 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 22:26

All this exploding was accelerating the expansion of the universe to dangerous speeds, bringing the heat death of the universe a few aeons closer.

992 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 22:38

The only one that seemed to be still alive amidst the universal collapse was

993 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 23:46

Squeeks. It was awful because all the death around him

994 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 00:04

didn't bother him at all.
«WE SHALL MAKE ANOTHER THREAD!» shouted he, blinded by his madness, «NEXT THREAD WILL PUT EVERYTHING IN PLACE! EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!»

«Forgive me, mother,

995 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 00:12

but I don't know what I was talking about with all that thread stuff. Everyone here has perished, and while I'm not particularly bothered by all the death, the corpses are extremely disorganized. Even worse, there is no one left to sort them into neat arrangements based on their fluffiness levels.»

Little did he know, a parallel, five-dimensional universe managed to defy all physical laws, allowing it to prosper forever without any of that scary scientific stuff.

In this very locale, the author and the GSL were having tea, when

996 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 00:34

null pointer exception occurred.

997 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 04:59

All in all, it was a very long and unsatisfying story. The plot never did resolve and everyone was unhappy. Oh yeah, and they died, too.

>>998: Dedications
>>999: Back cover of novel

998 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 06:29

For My Beloved Loli, her Panda, and all those who perished in the making of this novel

999 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 08:01

THE FIRST PART OF A STUNNING TRILOGY
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN

"What just happened" - New York Times

"A MILLION STARS" - Unnamed seven year old
x 1,000,000

"Excuse me may I post on the back cover here" - DQN-kun
♥♥♥♥♥

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