These are the files. I hope you have everything you need.
Shout threateningly down the stairs,
"There's more where that came from if you don't throw up your gun and come out with your hands up!"
Does the voice sound male or female? Either way, put hands on hips and arch back a bit so that our crotch-void is pointing at them when the come up the stairs
>>162,163
You shout threateningly down the stairs for the occupant to throw up their weapon. Surprisingly, they oblige and toss the gun out of the hole. The gun flies towards your crotch and is consumed by the void.
A man's voice rises from the hole; "Is it alright if I come out?" The speaker, although speaking firmly, has a clear nervous tone to their voice.
Make love to Continue loudly.
Say "Yes I won't hurt you, don't be scared of my pet either, it looks pretty freaky"
And stop pointing crotch-void down hole as we wait for him to come up, we don't want to kill a possible ally yet!
Gnaw on Geiger counter.
>>167,168
Furtively, like a wild animal being offered food, the man emerges from the tunnel beneath the stage. He is fairly short, has unkempt black hair and is wearing a grey jumpsuit. He is holding his hands in the air.
As soon as he catches sight of Continue, he screams and falls backwards onto his rear, before quickly scrambling back to his feet and running away.
>>169
You chew on the plastic casing of the Geiger counter. It comes apart in your mouth. Nestled in the midst of the still crackling components, you find a single bullet. In addition to those in your inventory, you now possess four bullets.
Examine inventory.
Whistle Greensleeves.
Proceed down staircase.
Go back up staircase and shout "Come back! Let's work together!" to man who ran away.
Enter cheat to see Lara Croft naked.
>>171
Your inventory looks much the same as it did at >>130. Perhaps you should try checking your inventory instead of examining it. You whistle a little, not very well. It seems you are out of practice.
>>172
At the bottom of the staircase is a bare concrete corridor leading straight ahead, featureless apart from a few pipes and ventilations ducts in the ceiling. It continues for a few metres before coming to a T-junction. You note that it looks a lot like the corridor you woke up in at >>5.
>>173
You return to the stop of the stairs, where Continue was waiting for you. You shout to the man but, predictably, there is no response.
Blurred photo has been removed from your inventory.
Photo of naked Lara Croft has been added to your inventory.
Show photo to Continue and ask if she considers it sexy
>>175
Continue does not have any eyes, so you cannot be certain whether she can even see the photo. In response to the question, she makes an indecipherable gurgling noise which seems more affirmative than negative.
>>176
You cannot locate any such object. The only things in your inventory are:
Return with Continue to the spacious corridor in >>128. Go East and look cautiously through the large ornate wooden door, gun at the ready.
Draw moustache on Lara Croft with the pencil
Draw a tiny Lara Croft on the moustache on Lara Croft.
Save game, then attempt to shave all moustaches in sight using one blade of the surgical scissors.
Shave game, then attempt to save all moustaches in sight.
>>178
You walk out the large, ornate wooden door leading to the theatre, then turn around and look back through. It looks much the same as you left it. You also hold your unloaded handgun at the ready - ready for what, you don't know exactly.
>>179
You deface the naked Lara Croft picture with a moustache.
>>180
Given the lack of space, Lara Croft's moustache's other, smaller Lara Croft ends up little more detailed than a stick man. Well, you decide, it's the thought that counts.
>>181
You draw a tiny, tiny moustache on Lara Croft's moustache's other, smaller Lara Croft.
>>182
Game saved.
You scrape the pencil marks off the moustaches on the Lara Croft picture. It leaves unsightly marks, but the moustaches are quite thoroughly shaved off.
>>183
Game shaved.
Desperately, you attempt to undo the damage you recklessly caused with the surgical scissors. Alas, it quickly becomes apparent that it is far too late. What have you done? What sort of monster have you become, who simply shaves off a naked woman's moustache without thinking of the consequences? How can you live with yourself now? Tears stream from your eyes as you collapse onto the floor and curl into the foetal position.
Stand up
Give self shake
Hug Continue for consolation
Hug Continue out of love.
Hug Continue Masturbation out of social pressure.
>>185
Eyes bleary and cheeks stinging, you pick yourself up off the floor. You shake yourself and feel slightly more in control for it.
>>186
You wrap two arms around Continue's midriff. She wraps about twenty appendages around your entire body. You are encased like a butterfly in a chrysalis. Her tentacles are soft and comforting and smell like fresh linen mixed with rotting fruit.
>>187
You caress her back (if such anatomical terms apply), and whisper sweet nothings into her... okay, well, she doesn't have any ears, but she clearly seems capable of hearing. At any rate, you tell her you love her.
>>188
You are under no social obligation, real or imagined, to hug Continue. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Kiss Continue on the mouth (or most similar orifice available)
Remove all garments below my waist (my pants and underwear) and spread buttcheeks invitingly.
>>190
The huge toothy maw at the top of her body is not well suited for kissing.
>>191
You have not been wearing any clothes since >>24. Just as you are about to engage in some potentially very lewd antics, you find that precisely 49 minutes and 53 seconds have passed since >>49. You are vaporised along with the rest of the facility.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 6
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>184)
Search for the nearest timepiece to see how much time is left on this save file.
Load >>157.
Shout threateningly down the stairs, "There's more where that came from if you don't throw up your gun and come out with your hands up!"
Get ready to grab the gun that he tosses up.
When he asks if it's alright to come out, reply, "Yes, I won't hurt you. We need to work together to escape from this place."
Politely ask Continue to wait in the spacious corridor of >>128. Blow her a kiss goodbye.
Start a second copy of the game and load >>184.
Head back toward the stairs.
>>193
You search for a timepiece. So focussed are you on your task that you don't notice your surroundings on any level greater than timepiece/not timepiece. You are vaguely aware of passing doorways, windows, possibly stairs? None of it registers.
You come to your senses outdoors in a garden, standing on top of a large metal sundial. It is approximately one metre across and is built into a stone slab in the floor. The sky is overcast (altostratus undulatus), so its gnomon casts no shadow.
To your North is a large circular fountain. There is no water running in it. Beyond the fountain is a tall leylandii hedge. To your West is a gazebo, within which can be seen an ice sculpture of what appears to be a giant magpie with the head of a dog. There is also a table with a white tablecloth and several empty wine glasses. To the East and South are the walls of a mansion. Through a window in the Eastern wall you can see into an office. Inside are several bookshelves, one of which has been knocked over. A person in a lab coat is lying face down on the floor. A computer terminal is visible, which reads 00:00:01:48. The final column is counting down in seconds.
>>194
(Loading >>157.sav...)
(Error: save file missing or corrupted.)
>>195
(Starting We_seem_to_have_lost_contact_with_the_Control_Tower.exe...)
(Error: another version of the application is already running.)
Steal that person's clothes, and search the pockets.
Check the vital statistics of the person.
Panic calmly.
List level 1 Matrimony and Healing spells.
>>197
You climb awkwardly through the window and steal the woman's labcoat, blouse, long skirt, bra and underwear. In her pockets you find a keycard and what looks like a ceremonial stone dagger. It is too heavy and blunt to be practical.
>>198
Her pulse is fairly strong. Her breathing is shallow but steady. Her body temperature is warm, but may drop because you have stolen all of her clothes. Her left leg is absent from the knee down.
>>199
You fret and wring your hands in a more or less controlled manner.
>>200
Matrimony, level 1:
Proposal (active skill): propose marriage to another entity. Both you and the other entity must be eligible for marriage. Requires engagement ring.
Healing, level 1:
Basic healing (passive skill): body slowly regenerates from damage. Not a magic spell; your body just naturally does that.
Allocate remaining skill points to Healing
Pause and press F1 for Help - how to gain more skill points and advance levels?
Heal fallen woman as well as possible.
>>202
You allocate your remaining three points to Healing. Your Healing level is now four.
>>203
Help: Skill Points
You gain one skill point and fifty mana for every sapient creature killed. This is doubled for ritual killings. Skill points may be allocated to any skill.
>>204
You use your newly unlocked ability: place in recovery position (active skill) on the fallen woman. She will probably return to consciousness soon, but not before the timer reaches zero.
>>205,206
You can vaguely recall a conversation. A calm, unplaceable, masculine voice says "These are the files. I hope you have everything you need."
"Thank you," replies a voice, possibly your own.
"Sir, I'm afraid these were not the correct files." says another voice. You are not sure whose. A siren blares. The next thing you remember is waking up on a cold, hard concrete floor.
Type 'S-A-M-S-O-N-5-1-2-ENTER.'
Try to quickly whip the tablecloth out from under the glasses without breaking them. I saw it on TV once, it can't be that hard, right?
Open the JavaScript console and enter "Game.remainingTime = 999999999;"
>>208
Syntax error.
>>209
Wasting precious seconds with wanton disregard, you climb back out the window and try to pull the tablecloth out with a dramatic flourish. The tablecloth catches on the opposite end, pulling over the entire table with it. The glasses all tumble off and shatter against the floor. There is broken glass everywhere. You feel humiliated.
>>210
You require level two thaumaturgy and 75 mana to use the JavaScript console ability.
Pause the timer to play the skiing minigame.
>>212
You require level 100 thauaturgy and 10,000 mana to use the skiing minigame ability.
Ritualistically slit woman's throat with broken glass while chanting "AJAX," thus making an offering to Eich, the God of Javascript. Use the resulting skill points and mana to level up thaumaturgy and open the JavaScript console.
>>214
With one deadly sweep of your glass laden hand, you slit the woman's jugular. "HAIL AJAX!" you scream. Blood arcs through the air, spraying all over the room, the bookshelves, the window, the computer terminal, and, of course, you. Arcane knowledge floods through your head. You have gained two skill points and 100 mana!
You put both your skill points into thaumaturgy. You now have level two thaumaturgy!
You spend 75 mana opening the JavaScript console.
Enter "IDDQD" on the console.
You enter "IDDQD" into the JavaScript console and hit Enter. You hear a sound like a bell chime. Big Head Mode has been enabled.
Download a bunch of freeware variable detectors and run them.
Admire big head.
Summon Ao Oni.
Pray to narrator.
>>218
You cannot locate any freeware variable detectors. You need a freeware variable detector detector.
>>219
You can't help but notice that your head doesn't seem much bigger than before; it's at most 10% bigger. You feel slightly disappointed.
>>220
Ao Oni will not come at your command. He will come and get you when you least expect it. When you least expect it.
>>221
The Narrator demands blood sacrifices.
You wake up on a cold, hard metal floor. You are not sure how long you have been unconscious, but you remember having an odd dream involving JavaScript consoles and giant heads. Blearily opening your eyes, you find yourself lying on a metal sundial built into a stone slab. It is currently night. It is still overcast.
To your North is a large circular fountain. There is no water running in it. Beyond the fountain is a tall leylandii hedge. To your West is a gazebo, within which can be seen a badly melted ice sculpture. There is also an overturned table, a white tablecloth and an almost impressive amount of broken glass. To the East and South are the walls of a mansion. Through a broken window in the Eastern wall you can see into an office.
There is a lot of blood visible on the walls of the office, on the broken glass of the window, on the walls around the window, and in a trail leading from the window to your current position. You are also covered in blood. With a shock, you suddenly realise that you are no longer in possession of your briefcase (which contained your entire inventory), or your beloved Continue.
Say "AW SHIT"
Shit. All over the sundial.
Lick the ice sculpture.
Lick the blood.
Expect Ao Oni.
>>225
You don't really need to go right now.
>>226
You rub your tongue against the remains of the ice sculpture. It tastes a little odd. Thankfully, your tongue doesn't stick to it too badly.
>>227
You lick some of the blood off yourself. The thick metallic taste floods your mouth, sticking to your palate and the back of your throat. It tastes good... yes, very good. You wonder what it would taste like fresh from the source.
As you are busy expecting Ao Oni, you fail to expect a small, white rabbit to show up in front of you. But show up it does. It nonchalantly hops through the grass, sniffs around a little and then hops towards you. You note that it's odd for rabbits to be active at this time of day.
Drink rabbit's blood.
>>229
You're going to need some way of getting the blood out of the rabbit, first of all.
Use the broken glass on the rabbit.
>>231
Success! You have constructed a Level 1 Wand of Lightning!
>>231
You walk away from the rabbit and take a piece of broken glass from the gazebo. You turn back to find the rabbit barely a metre from your feet, still sniffing around nonchalantly. Unperturbed, you wield your makeshift weapon and contemplate how to "use" it on the poor defenceless little lagomorph.
Suddenly, the rabbit stands up on its hind legs. It sways a little, makes a sound as though it's clearing its throat, then stares you right in the eye, silently, for a few moments. You are caught off guard. In one fluid motion the rabbit leaps up towards you, claws and teeth arcing through the air like tiny little katanas, and decapitates you.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 7
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>228)
check status of genitals
Invite white rabbit for tea
>>236
"My dear rabbit," you say, putting on your most gentlemanly voice, "Would you care to join me for afternoon tea?"
The rabbit cocks its head to one side, twitches its nose, and looks at you like the idiot you are for suggesting afternoon tea in the middle of the night, when you don't even have any of the necessary tea-making paraphernalia.
cut wrist with glass and make blood offering to rabbit
Dance a little jig.
use Level 1 Wand of Lightning on the GAME OVER
>>238
You take a piece of broken glass and slit open the skin on your left wrist. You feel an odd sensation, as though small animals were crawling beneath your epidermis. You passingly wonder how long it will take the scars of this wound to heal. The rabbit looks hesitant, then twists its little mouth into a cruel grin and eagerly laps up the blood.
>>239
You dance, hopping back and forth from one foot to the other. The rabbit stands up on its hind legs and dances alongside you, blood still dripping from its muzzle.
>>240
You pass out (you've really got to do something about this narcolepsy of yours) and dream/hallucinate that you used a piece of broken glass on the rabbit and somehow the two transmuted into a Level 1 Wand of Lightening. You wield the tiny electrified phallic object, and discharge it upon a huge set of letters, twenty metres tall, which have appeared in front of you, reading GAME OVER. Blinding white bolts of lightening strike the letters all over. The relief and satisfaction of denying this monumental symbol of your failure is positively orgasmic.
Then, you realise that the lightening has no effect. The monolithic letters remain standing, indifferent. The lightening wanes until it is nothing more than a few sparks spurting from the end of your wand. Disappointment and shame and horror pour down upon you like cold, damp spaghetti.
You wake up in a cold sweat. You are lying on the sundial, again. It is dawn and you can hear birds chirruping enthusiastically from somewhere or other. The rabbit is lapping at your wrist, blood flecks sprayed across its face and your lower arm. You feel a little faint.
Slice skin off with glass and turn it into a ring. Propose to rabbit.
Inspect roof of gazebo
Imitate Strong Bad's voice while vandalizing the gazebo, and make sure to pronounce it like "gaze-bo".
>>242
Feeling a little woozy from all the blood loss, you take the broken glass and slice a rough chunk of skin from your lower arm. There's really quite a lot of blood now. An awful lot, in fact. You attempt to fashion the loose flap of skin into a ring, producing a rather unconvincing doughnut shape.
"Oh rabbit," you say, slurring your words slightly, "Will you m--"
Your breath catches in your throat. The words simply won't come out.
"Will you m- m--"
You require level two matrimony to use the bigamy ability.
>>243
You tilt your head to look at the top of the gazebo. It is hexagonal in shape, like the rest of the gazebo, with a shallowly inclined red roof tapering to a single point. Very scenic, you think to yourself.
>>244
You pick yourself up from the ground, successfully avoiding passing from blood loss. You feel the overwhelming urge to vandalise the gaze-bo, whilst imitating a cartoon man who wears a wrestling mask, boxing gloves and no shirt. (Well, you have the no shirt part at least.)
You grab one leg of the overturned table inside, snap it off and begin hitting the pillars of the gaze-bo with it. "Holy crap!" you exclaim, as one of the pillars explodes into a mass of splinters. "There's two of them..." you ponder, as another two supports fall at your hands. The entire structure looks to be on the verge of collapsing. You take a run up and whack the weakest looking of the remaining pillars, shouting "DELETED!". It snaps like a twig. The roof falls to the ground with a satisfying cacophony, joining the pile of broken glass on the floor of the gaze-bo.
Something is wrong. The ice sculpture is outside the gaze-bo - how did it get there? And why is its head so blue and swollen? Then, you realise: it's Ao Oni, come to get you, when you weren't expecting it!
Scream: "Aaaaaaah!"
Pass out for a while.
Go north.
Go south.
Write a haiku about our present situation.
>>248
In mid-scream, you at last give in to blood loss. The soft grassy floor leaps up to meet your woolly head and everything goes black. You wake up in absolute darkness, in some sort of extremely narrow square passage, clearly not designed for humans. You can hear odd organic noises, including occasional screams. The noise is echoing too much to be able to tell where it's coming from.
>>249,250
You cannot tell which direction is which, but you try crawling forwards. Eventually you come to a metal grate in the floor, strongly suggesting that you are inside a ventilation duct. Beneath the grate is a stone cavern, lit by a single floodlight. You can see some meagre office equipment; a simple wooden desk, chair, pens and paper, neatly arranged. You aren't sure, but you think that the noises are coming from further along the shaft, rather than from the cavern/office under you.
>>251
Gone is the garden
New home: ventilation shaft
Life is so absurd
Imitate Strong Bad some more.
Crawl toward noises while fantasizing sexually.
>>254
You shamble inefficiently towards the mysterious banging, and clattering, further ahead. Yet at the moment, those... banging and... clattering noises... seem to be rather alluring...
Where you were, now - you couldn't care at all. You know only that a raging erection (or female equivalent) has formed beneath you, within your trousers. It beckons your attendance as you crawl, painfully and erotically as you wish to stroke yourself.
A noise... ?
A-anghhh~
Become self-aware and realize your thoughts and actions are not a product of your own illusory free will, but are formed through commands from the elitist superstructure.
List healing spells up to level 4. Also, how much mana do we have left?
Expend all mana with repeated castings of JavaScript console ability.
>>258
Healing, level 4:
You have 25 mana remaining.
>>259
The JavaScript console ability requires 75 mana.