These are the files. I hope you have everything you need.
cut wrist with glass and make blood offering to rabbit
Dance a little jig.
use Level 1 Wand of Lightning on the GAME OVER
>>238
You take a piece of broken glass and slit open the skin on your left wrist. You feel an odd sensation, as though small animals were crawling beneath your epidermis. You passingly wonder how long it will take the scars of this wound to heal. The rabbit looks hesitant, then twists its little mouth into a cruel grin and eagerly laps up the blood.
>>239
You dance, hopping back and forth from one foot to the other. The rabbit stands up on its hind legs and dances alongside you, blood still dripping from its muzzle.
>>240
You pass out (you've really got to do something about this narcolepsy of yours) and dream/hallucinate that you used a piece of broken glass on the rabbit and somehow the two transmuted into a Level 1 Wand of Lightening. You wield the tiny electrified phallic object, and discharge it upon a huge set of letters, twenty metres tall, which have appeared in front of you, reading GAME OVER. Blinding white bolts of lightening strike the letters all over. The relief and satisfaction of denying this monumental symbol of your failure is positively orgasmic.
Then, you realise that the lightening has no effect. The monolithic letters remain standing, indifferent. The lightening wanes until it is nothing more than a few sparks spurting from the end of your wand. Disappointment and shame and horror pour down upon you like cold, damp spaghetti.
You wake up in a cold sweat. You are lying on the sundial, again. It is dawn and you can hear birds chirruping enthusiastically from somewhere or other. The rabbit is lapping at your wrist, blood flecks sprayed across its face and your lower arm. You feel a little faint.
Slice skin off with glass and turn it into a ring. Propose to rabbit.
Inspect roof of gazebo
Imitate Strong Bad's voice while vandalizing the gazebo, and make sure to pronounce it like "gaze-bo".
>>242
Feeling a little woozy from all the blood loss, you take the broken glass and slice a rough chunk of skin from your lower arm. There's really quite a lot of blood now. An awful lot, in fact. You attempt to fashion the loose flap of skin into a ring, producing a rather unconvincing doughnut shape.
"Oh rabbit," you say, slurring your words slightly, "Will you m--"
Your breath catches in your throat. The words simply won't come out.
"Will you m- m--"
You require level two matrimony to use the bigamy ability.
>>243
You tilt your head to look at the top of the gazebo. It is hexagonal in shape, like the rest of the gazebo, with a shallowly inclined red roof tapering to a single point. Very scenic, you think to yourself.
>>244
You pick yourself up from the ground, successfully avoiding passing from blood loss. You feel the overwhelming urge to vandalise the gaze-bo, whilst imitating a cartoon man who wears a wrestling mask, boxing gloves and no shirt. (Well, you have the no shirt part at least.)
You grab one leg of the overturned table inside, snap it off and begin hitting the pillars of the gaze-bo with it. "Holy crap!" you exclaim, as one of the pillars explodes into a mass of splinters. "There's two of them..." you ponder, as another two supports fall at your hands. The entire structure looks to be on the verge of collapsing. You take a run up and whack the weakest looking of the remaining pillars, shouting "DELETED!". It snaps like a twig. The roof falls to the ground with a satisfying cacophony, joining the pile of broken glass on the floor of the gaze-bo.
Something is wrong. The ice sculpture is outside the gaze-bo - how did it get there? And why is its head so blue and swollen? Then, you realise: it's Ao Oni, come to get you, when you weren't expecting it!
Scream: "Aaaaaaah!"
Pass out for a while.
Go north.
Go south.
Write a haiku about our present situation.
>>248
In mid-scream, you at last give in to blood loss. The soft grassy floor leaps up to meet your woolly head and everything goes black. You wake up in absolute darkness, in some sort of extremely narrow square passage, clearly not designed for humans. You can hear odd organic noises, including occasional screams. The noise is echoing too much to be able to tell where it's coming from.
>>249,250
You cannot tell which direction is which, but you try crawling forwards. Eventually you come to a metal grate in the floor, strongly suggesting that you are inside a ventilation duct. Beneath the grate is a stone cavern, lit by a single floodlight. You can see some meagre office equipment; a simple wooden desk, chair, pens and paper, neatly arranged. You aren't sure, but you think that the noises are coming from further along the shaft, rather than from the cavern/office under you.
>>251
Gone is the garden
New home: ventilation shaft
Life is so absurd
Imitate Strong Bad some more.
Crawl toward noises while fantasizing sexually.
>>254
You shamble inefficiently towards the mysterious banging, and clattering, further ahead. Yet at the moment, those... banging and... clattering noises... seem to be rather alluring...
Where you were, now - you couldn't care at all. You know only that a raging erection (or female equivalent) has formed beneath you, within your trousers. It beckons your attendance as you crawl, painfully and erotically as you wish to stroke yourself.
A noise... ?
A-anghhh~
Become self-aware and realize your thoughts and actions are not a product of your own illusory free will, but are formed through commands from the elitist superstructure.
List healing spells up to level 4. Also, how much mana do we have left?
Expend all mana with repeated castings of JavaScript console ability.
>>258
Healing, level 4:
You have 25 mana remaining.
>>259
The JavaScript console ability requires 75 mana.
Spend 10 mana to magic heal Continue!
Tweak nipples
>>261
Continue's injured tentacles perk up, and the severed one stops bleeding. She renews her assault, successfully lashing one appendage around Ao Oni's neck. Ao Oni, however, struggles out of the choke hold, and roughly grabs the offending tentacle, tugging it viciously. Continue screams.
You have 15 mana remaining.
>>262
You are not in possession of any nipples.
Try to figure out any weaknesses Ao Oni has.
Summon Big Penis
Headbutt the metal grate
Cast magic missile!
Come on, cast magic missile already!!
>>264
Ao Oni appears to depend most heavily on brute strength, but has remarkably little agility. If you could either temporarily incapacitate or even just distract him, you and Continue would be in with more of a chance.
>>265
You do not know how to summon Big Penis.
>>267
Seeing no alternative, you whack your forehead against the grate with all your strength. Through the blinding pain and blood streaming down your forehead into your eyes, you see that the grate has fallen from its place. You spill haphazardly out of the ventilation duct like dog food out of a tin can.
Both Ao Oni and Continue are staring at you - well, Continue appears doesn't have any eyes so you can't be sure, but she seems to have turned in your direction. Behind Continue you can see some of the previous contents of your briefcase, scattered across the cavern floor. You can see one scalpel, one osteotome, one pencil and one defaced photo of naked Lara Croft more or less within reach, and a handgun several metres away. You have only a few seconds before you lose the element of surprise.
>>268
You require level 1 thaumaturgy and 10 mana to use the magic missile ability.
>>269
You still require level 1 thaumaturgy and 10 mana to use the magic missile ability.
Taunt Ao Oni with the defaced Lara Croft picture as a distraction for Continue.
Ask Ao Oni how to summon Big Penis.
Pick up remains of grate and throw it at Ao Oni, like an awkward boomerang.
Sing a sad ballad.
Ask Ao Oni how to summon Big Penis, wait for him to charge, then leap out of the way at the last second, making him charge straight into the pipe!
Eat a snack.
Specifically, eat Jack's sac.
>>276
Ao Oni takes offence and charges at you. You place yourself between Ao Oni and the huge yellow pipe and do your best deer-in-headlights impression. Continue tries to slow Ao Oni, with predictable results. Within seconds a huge blue fist is swiftly making its way towards your brittle, vulnerable skull. Continue shrieks in horror. You leap dramatically out of the way, and fall flat on your face. Simultaneously, there is a cacophonous metallic crash from where your head just was. A huge dent has appeared in the pipe and a white aerosol hisses out of the punctured metal straight into Ao Oni's face, distracting him for a few precious moments.
>>277
You feel an urgent hunger - not surprising, as the last thing you ate was half a quiche, way back at >>80,81, and even that you threw up again at >>121,122. You look around, desperately searching for a snack, a morsel, anything to quell your stomach's hopeless yearning. Alas, this cavern is as barren of nutrition as the Atacama desert.
>>278
"That's it!" you exclaim, "I'll eat Jack's sac!" There follows an awkward silence, filled only by the sound of the mystery aerosol leaking from the pipe. Ao Oni looks at you. Continue looks at you. You look at yourself. Who is Jack? What sort of edible sac does he possess? What on earth are you talking about? Nobody knows, least of all yourself.
Realize with shame that I don't know Jack.
Then run like fuck for the nearest exit.
Grab the gun (and hopefully bullets?!) on the way out.
>>280
You don't know Jack. At first, this realisation fills you with shame, but it evokes a stronger, more elusive feeling as well - horror, dread. Slowly, you rise to your feet. You cast a vacant glance across the cavern, but nothing you see truly registers. "Who is Jack?" you mutter to yourself. Continue makes a distressed squealing noise and waves her tentacles, urgently trying to get your attention, probably to warn you to get out of the way of Ao Oni. "Who is Jack?" you ask her. She pauses a moment, then continues with redoubled urgency. At last, you turn around to face your giant blue nemesis. You stare him in the eye. He stares back, his eyes inscrutable and unwavering. "Who is Jack?" you ask him. His eyes widen, then he abruptly looks away, no longer able to meet your gaze. Continue whimpers piteously.
Who is Jack? Why don't you know who he is? If you simply don't know anyone called Jack, then why would a thought involving Jack come unbidden to your mind? What deeper association, what subtle conditioning is there in your mind to bring this about? You have no memory of anyone called Jack, but beyond a certain point you have no memory at all. Jack could be anyone. Your father could be Jack. Your son could be Jack. Your wife could be Jack. You could be Jack - indeed, you don't even know your own name; why shouldn't it be Jack?
You collapse to your knees, fill your lungs with air, raise your face upwards and scream with all your might, all your frustration, all your shame, all your horror, every fibre of your being: "WHO IS JACK‽" You try to run for the nearest exit, but there is no exit to your torment.
>>281
You reach down and pick up the handgun. The handgun is not Jack. You wander further down the cavern and find some bullets strewn across the floor, along with the remains of your briefcase. "Jack... Jack... Jack..." you mutter, under your breath. The briefcase is in a poor state; the clasps are completely broken and the handle has come off. Files spill out of the ruined case like rushed apologies from a man with low self esteem. As you are completely naked and no longer in possession of any usable receptacle, you will only be able to carry as much as you can hold in your hands or wear. You pick up the bullets - four in total. One is small, white and spherical. Another, slightly larger, is a brilliant blue colour. The third is pale green, with a white outline and shaped like an elongated grain of rice. The fourth is blood red, and shaped like an arrowhead. These are not handgun bullets. These are danmaku bullets. Is this Jack's doing?
>>282
You eat a sandwich. Instead of bread, the sandwich is made of Jack. The filling is despair. It tastes bitter, so very bitter.
Dinner making stop!
Load gun with blue bullet and shoot Ao Oni while murmuring a prayer to Jack.
Ask Jack if he remembers what day it is today, and load the fourth bullet into the handgun.
Barf up the jack
>>284
You're fairly certain you aren't making dinner, literally or figuratively.
>>285
Stoically, you slip the large, blue bullet into the barrel and level the gun against Ao Oni. "Jack have mercy on you, you giant blue bastard." you mutter dramatically. Ao Oni looks surprised at first; then fearful, cowering against the bright yellow pipe like a cornered animal; and, finally, he appears to accept his fate. He bows his giant swollen head. A single tear rolls down his cheek. The sound of a gunshot echoes through the cavern, and Ao Oni explodes with a ピチューン sound, leaving nothing but a spray of power items.
For killing a sapient creature you have gained one skill point and 50 mana. You currently have one unallocated skill point and 65 mana in total.
>>286
You continue to mutter to yourself about Jack. You don't know what day it is, and if Jack does then he certainly isn't telling. You take the red arrowhead bullet and load it into the handgun.
>>287
You try to vomit but your stomach is quite thoroughly empty. You simply retch, leaving your mouth with an unpleasant acidic taste.
>>288
You decide that you have had enough Jack for one lifetime. One Jack/despair sandwich was more than enough. You shall seek a better sandwich: a sandwich of hope, wrapped in soft-crust progress, garnished with plot development.
You passingly notice that the mystery white aerosol has stopped leaking from the pipe.
Hurry to grab the power items before they get away!
Eat those power items. In a sandwhich if possible. Give some to Continue too.
Actually, wait, only eat the edible power items. And check what's in the pipe.
How big is the pipe?
Look into the pipe and yodel.
If still alive at this point, save game.
ERROR IN OPERATION: SAVE();
GAME PROGRESS WAS UNABLE TO BE SAVED TO DISK.>>290,291
You're too slow! They've already fallen offscreen.
>>292
There's a serious dent in the pipe where Ao Oni punched it. On closer inspection, there's a thin crack that has clearly pierced the metal plating, but you cannot see inside. A faint, unfamiliar chemical smell emanates from the fissure.
>>293
It's about one metre in diameter and, in length, goes as far as you can see in either direction.
>>294
You make some sort of approximation of yodelling. Continue appears to interpret this sound as you being in pain or distress, and rushes over to you, waving her tentacles and trying to work out what the matter is.
>>295
Game saved.
Smile at Continue. Check Continue's condition, use Dress Wound skill on any serious injuries she has.
>>298
Continue calms somewhat, though she still appears tense. Five of her tentacles are injured, of which three are only bruised, one is fairly badly crushed and one has been severed halfway. As you have already healed her a little back at >>261,263 her wounds are by no means life threatening. The dress wound skill requires antiseptic, a dressing or a bandage.
You hear a faint noise coming from further down the cavern.
Give up mentally and collapse in a heap on the floor.
Huff the substance leaking from the pipe.
Switch to the control scheme from Dizzy 3.
Inspect noise.
>>302
The aerosol stopped leaking from the pipe back at >>289.
>>303
You don't know how to do that.
>>304
You wander along the cavern towards the source of the noise, Continue close at your heels. It turns out to be further than you thought; you are walking for at least ten minutes along the gently winding rocky passage, featureless apart from the giant bright yellow pipe, before finally reaching an end to the cavern in the form of a wall of filled concrete. Built into the wall is a slightly ajar heavy set metal door. Assuming this must be where the noise came from, you enter.
You find yourself in a short, narrow corridor lit by fluorescent strip lighting. Continuing your search for the source of the noise, you exit the corridor through one of the doors, selected at random. You find yourself in a small room containing a desk, chair and computer terminal. The computer terminal reads:
WARNING:
COOLANT PRESSURE CRITICALLY LOW: SUSPECTED LEAKAGE
REROUTING FROM EMERGENCY RESERVOIR...
FAILED: SUSPECTED BLOCKAGEWARNING:
PORTAL CORE STABILITY CRITICAL
DIMENSIONAL COLLAPSE IMMINENT
ENGAGING EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN PROCEDURES...
FAILED: MANUAL OVERRIDE IN OPERATIONThe chair is knocked over. There are papers scattered across the desk, some of which have fallen to the floor. A cup of coffee has been knocked over, spilling coffee over many of the papers. A cursory glance reveals that they appear mostly to be full of quantum mechanical equations, along with many graphs and tables of data which you can't readily interpret.
One side of the room is taken up by a large window, overlooking another cavern, much larger than the one you were just in. In the geometric centre of the space, hovering several metres away from any of its surroundings, you see a floating image, like a mirage, of a beautiful meadow full of brightly coloured flowers, overlooked by small, fluffy cumuli. As you watch, the grass and flowers are ruffled by a brisk Spring breeze.
The cavern is laced with catwalks and metal scaffolding. The walls are interspersed with windows looking into rooms more or less identical to your own. In one room, high up on the opposite face, you see a man staring back at you. Your eyes meet, then he turns and leaves the room.
>>305
You are not in possession of any sandwiches.
Wring coffee from the papers back into the cup and drink it.
Attempt to access pornography from computer terminal.
Go to the computer and go to http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1341413503/
Take some papers to use as makeshift bandages. I assume we left the ruined briefcase back in the cavern, so stuff them into our pockets, I guess. (do we have pockets?)
Also search the desk for anything useful.
>>307
You manage to drain a small amount of dark brown liquid back into the cup; barely enough to coat the bottom. You swallow it all in one gulp. It tastes very odd; rather unlike coffee. It tastes faintly of almonds.
>>308
You open the browser and type in one of the usual URLs.
THIS WEBSITE IS BLOCKED IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR COMPANY'S
INTERNET USAGE POLICY FOR THE FOLLOWING REASON:
PORNOGRAPHYFOR MORE INFORMATION, AND IF YOU BELIEVE THIS WEBSITE TO HAVE
BEEN BLOCKED INCORRECTLY, CONTACT YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR.>>309
You open this very thread.
>>310
You take some of the papers. You can now use the dress wound skill, if necessary. You are completely nude and have no receptacle to hold objects - the closest you have to pockets is an all consuming void lurking in your crotch - so you can only carry as much as you can hold in your hands. You are currently carrying a handgun loaded with one bullet in your right hand, and two bullets and five sheets of paper in your left hand.
In the desk drawer, you find an unsealed letter. It is addressed to:
>>835
Demanding from the next poster
The Elitist Superstructure of DQN
4-ch.net
http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1314324451/835
Inside is a piece of paper reading "I demand that >>837 write a short story from the point of view of a shrine maiden."
Insert obstinate terminal into mysterious crotch hole of doom.
Make the following post in this thread:
">>313
You obediently type out the post and hit reply, then suddenly notice a fresh set of clothes and shiny new briefcase on the desk. How convenient!"
>>313
You obediently type out the post and hit reply, then suddenly notice a fresh set of clothes and shiny new briefcase on the desk. How convenient!
>>312
You crouch on the desk, legs spread, and push the corner of the machine into your crotch. It seems to contort and fold itself as it falls into the void, as though turning in a spacial dimension not visible to you, and disappears without a trace. For good measure, you allow your crotch void to consume the keyboard, mouse, cables and all the other computer paraphernalia as well.
>>313
You cannot post in this thread without a computer with internet access.
Shoot the window in the vague direction where the man was.
Curse quietly.
>>316
You turn back to the window, and are startled to find that the floating image of the meadow has expanded to fill the entire space. It seems somehow more real and immediate than before - you can not only see the wind blowing through the flowers, but can also hear it. You can even feel the early Spring sunlight gracing your naked body. There's something subtly off about the whole scene, but you can't quite put your finger on it.
You aren't sure what direction the man was in, but you level the handgun towards the window and pull the trigger. The window pane shatters, in the wrong direction - the glass shards are propelled back towards you - and the meadow floods into the room and surrounds you. Everything goes white. Three words echo through your head, unbidden: "Dimensional collapse imminent"...
>>317
"God fucking damn it," you mutter to yourself inaudibly, as your consciousness fades away from you yet again.
You awaken to find yourself lying on your back, staring up at the sky. A young girl, perhaps around twelve years old, is looking down at you. She is wearing a black pleated skirt, white blouse, dark blue cardigan, blue neckerchief and black knee-high socks. Her hair is held up in two places with little white ribbons. Her face is rife with concern, which appears assuaged at least a little by your return to consciousness.
"N-Nameless Protagonist-chan, are you okay?" she enquires, helping you to your feet. Looking down, you find that you are dressed in an identical uniform to her. You look vacantly at her. "Protagonist-chan? It's me, your osananajimi, Continue-chan!" she explains. "We have to hurry, or we'll be late to our first day at Grinding Noises Gakuen!" She casts a dramatic glance across the flower-laden meadow, eyes sparkling, and says excitedly, "Ara ara, from today onwards we'll be chuugakusei! I'm feeling so dokidoki!"
Lift skirt and inspect crotch (out of the corner of our eye) to see if the crotch void is there. And don't point it at Continue-chan.
>>319
You turn away from Continue-chan and cautiously lift your skirt. Like any self-respecting joshigakusei, you are, of course, wearing pantsu. Specifically, you are wearing cute white pantsu with tasteful frills and a little white bow at the top. Still, you need to know what lies in the untold depths of your crotch. Shamelessly, you peel your pantsu down your thighs, looking out of the corner of your eyes at what lies beneath.
Continue-chan seems horrified by your unmaidenly conduct. "P-P-Protagonist-chan, why are you doing such hentai things? W-we have t--" she is interrupted by a computer cable launching itself at high velocity from between your legs, and landing in the field a few metres away. This is swiftly followed by more cables, a mouse, keyboard, a computer chassis, a monitor, a handgun and a severed foot.
Ponder if Jack-onii-chan could repair the computer, but since he is probably not here, try to figure it out myself.
Give panties to Continue-chan for safe keeping.
>>321
You don't know anyone called Jack, and you certainly don't know of any Onii-chan you may have. You're no expert on computer repair, but you're fairly certain they need to be plugged in to work.
>>322
You slip off your frilly white pantsu and hand them to Continue-chan. She blushes profusely, and appears to misinterpret the gesture. "P-Protagonist-chan," she whispers, voice failing her, "W-we can't, it's dame! My kokoro isn't ready!" She seems more bothered by this than by the paraphernalia that just spontaneously ejected itself from your nether regions.
Blush profusely and shout "gomenasai!" Then throw your panties into the air and run off dramatically in tears.
Curse quietly.
Applaud and shout "congratulations!"
Gleefully stroke chin.
Gleefully make a din.
Add too many commands to the command queue
>>324
You swear you've never seen this man in your life.
>>325
Aware of your faux pas but too young and immature to take responsibility for your miscommunication, you run away, casting tears and underwear about with wild abandon, whilst mispronouncing "Gomen nasai". Of course, as you are in the middle of a field, there isn't really anywhere to run away to.
>>326
"Kuso," you mutter under your breath.
>>327
You turn back to face Continue-chan. She is staring at you helplessly, her visage awash with tears, despair and betrayal. "Omedetou gozaimasu!" you shout to her, clapping energetically. Continue-chan sobs piteously.
>>328
You smile to yourself with glee and stroke your chin like an elderly philosopher preparing to pontificate on some esoteric topic.
Continue-chan abruptly stops crying and looses a roaring laughter, fell and terrible! "Ufufufufu! If you're going to toy with my kokoro like that," she giggles, "I think I'll toy with you a little myself!" She stalks towards you meaningfully. You try to back away, but trip over a severed foot that happens to be lying in the grass. You cannot get up as Continue-chan is already standing over you, casting a menacing silhouette against the bright blue sky. In one fluid motion, she reaches back and takes something gleaming and metallic from the back of her skirt - a knife!
She raises the blade above her head, and swings it down violently into your mune, again and again, laughing maniacally as flecks of your blood spray over her seifuku.
>>329
You certainly make quite a din, begging for mercy and screaming with pain, but the glee is all Continue's.
>>330
You cannot add commands to the command queue; you're too busy being stabbed to death.
As your consciousness fades away like the blood seeping into the dirt beneath you, the last thing you see is Continue-chan's blood-speckled face, smiling affectionately at you. Then you die.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 10
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>320)
Inspect severed foot
Resolve the Jack Conundrum by taking on the name for yourself in lieu of Nameless Protagonist.
Retrieve handgun.
>>332
It's fairly large - probably an adult's - and appears to have been severed a fair while after death. There is no sign of blood in or on it, and pallor mortis has set in. The severance, above the ankle, is fairly clean, and appears to have been done with a sharp implement.
>>333
Your name is now Jack Conundrum-chan.
>>334
You search through the grass, and before long locate the handgun. These are, of course, illegal here in Nippon, so you've never seen one in real life and have no idea how to use it. Continue-chan appears quite distressed by the object. "Conundrum-chan, put that down! It's abunai! Now hurry up, or we'll be late for jugyou!"
Hide gun somewhere on my person (preferably without Continue noticing) and follow Continue.
Hide Continue somewhere on my person (preferably without the gun noticing) and follow the computer.